AverageBro NewsBriefs: ESPN Edition

Okay, my week in the Land of 1000 Lakes is over, so here's some stuff from the world of sports that's interesting, but not interesting enough for it's own post.

I Always Thought Marion Jones Was Dope, But Not Literally Dope

True story: back in the early 90's, while still an undergrad, I met Marion Jones, then a fine as hell, and effeminate freshman PG for the National Champion UNC Tarheels at a nightspot in Chapel Hill, and she was apparently diggin' what I had to say. Just as I was moving in for the 7 digits (this was the pre-SideKick/IM days, kiddies), she said "excuse me" and took off running across the club, jumped in some girl's face (who had apparently been eyeing her the whole time we were talking), got in a shouting match, and the next thing I know, she straight cold cocks the girl, and 3-4 of Marion's friends jump in and proceed to stomp and beat the chick to a pulp. Needless to say, she (hair askew and still poppin' mad shit) got kicked out of the club, so I didn't get her number. Then again, considering the can of whoop ass she unloaded on her unexpecting victim, I can't say getting that number would have been a good idea anyway. Sure, my boys clowned me for the rest of the night (she clearly wasn't listening to me the whole time I was talking), but I couldn't help but wonder "what if?". My undergrad, somewhat-grown man crush would have to go forever unfulfilled.

Fast forward: Jones ditches hoops for track, goes on to win Olympic gold, marries a shot putter who is found guilty of doping, divorces him, grows more and more manly looking by the year, wins more gold, gets knocked up by a fellow runner who is later found guilty of doping, is accused of doping herself, begins to lose races left and right, and finally retires amid allegations of steroid abuse. Whew.

Of yeah, Jones finally admitted to using steroids before the 2000 Olympics in a recent letter to close family and friends.

On second thought, I am SO glad I never got that number.

RocaWear Arena? Jigga Please Update

I told ya'll last week, that Jay Z's quest to rename the Continental Airlines Arena where the team he "owns" plays was nothing more than a free plug for the clothing line he no longer "owns". The drive to rebrand the building the RocaWear Arena was, as I told you, nothing more than a nice PR boost for a guy with an album coming out next month, just like his ownership of the New Jersey Nets is little more than PR to grease the skids for the team's displacement of thousands of citizens via eminent domain to build their new arena in Brooklyn. Just to underscore my point, Izod Lacoste won naming rights to the arena.

OJ Rocks Fake Rollies

I don't exactly know if this qualifies as sports, per se, but it sure as hell is funny. After obtaining a judge's order to claim many personal items of OJ Simpson in the wake of his recent legal issues, the Goldmans took possession of one of Simpson's Rolex™ watches. The street value of such a watch would be anywhere from $5,000-$25,000, which considering the Goldmans have only collected about $10k of that massive $40M civil trial settlement, would be a nice come up. Turns out Biz Markie ain't the only one sportin' fake jewelry. OJ probably bought this Rolex knockoff from them Middle Eastern dudes in Georgetown, and as a result, it's worth little more than $125 at best.

More Trouble For Mike Vick

NFL Players Association lawyers argued Thursday that the league's collective bargaining agreement protects Michael Vick from the Atlanta Falcons' attempts to be refunded up to $22 million in bonus money. I happen to agree that Vick shouldn't have to return this money. By all accounts, in his contract, the $22M signing bonus was guaranteed. The last time I checked, guaranteed meant just that: guaranteed. Let the man keep his money, he's gonna need it to pay off all these debtors coming out the wood works for him.