AB.com's Free Advice To All Candidates

So, Super Tuesday is (finally) history. 20+ states weighed in. There were some winners. There were definitely some losers. As we enter the second half of contests for each candidacy, here's my free advice to all remaining contenders and pretenders.

My Free Advice for Barack Obama

You held serve last night. You won 13 states, which is far better than anyone could have hoped for. You are fewer than 100 overall delegates behind Clinton, with favorable states like DC, MD, and VA coming up next week. You're sitting pretty. Here's how you can sit prettier.

Become a Better Debater - For all the fiery rhetoric and inspiration of Barry's speeches, this is still your achilles heel. Call Rebb'n Al and Jesse and get yourself signed up for their Guaranteed Soundbite Seminar. You need to learn the art of the zinger. Sharpening up your positions on the economy and war also wouldn't hurt.

Attack... Shrewdly - There are some differences between you and Clinton. Play up the fact that she voted for the war so that there's no confusion about where you stood and what she stood for. Do this in a non-threatening manner that gets you on the evening news.

Pander to Latinos - Apparently there's something to that whole black vs brown divide. You need to find a way, any way, to neutralize Clinton's advantage here. He hear J-Lo and Fat Joe are available. Call em', use em'. Do something.

My Free Advice for Hillary Clinton

Super Tuesday is over. You won the big states and held serve in your home states. You lost Missouri however, which isn't a good look. While you're still ahead in the delegate count, momentum, or at least perception of momentum, is everything. And you don't have Big Mo' on your side. Here's how you get it back.

Cry More - It apparently works. You turn on the waterworks, or simply talk about crying, and white women go storming to the polls. Do this strategically though, they'll prolly catch on after awhile if you don't.

Keep Your Husband Locked Up - Seriously, had you just kept Bill's ass back in Harlem during December, you'd be looking into resorts for Denver right now. Instead, you're probably going to have to keep campaigning right up til' Denver. Give him a handful of singles and tell him to get lost.

Schedule More Debates - Your money is running low, and there are plenty more states left. Obama is killin' you at the ATM right now, so challenging him to additional debates is a good way of getting free national advertising with seeming so obvious.

Play Up Your Experience - This is still your best asset. Many still think you actually ran the country during your 8 years in DC. Of course this is freakin' asinine, but it works. Keep on keepin' on.

My Free Advice for John McCain

You were supposed to have it locked up last night and looking into resorts in St. Paul today. Instead, you'll prolly have to slog this out another couple of weeks. Here's how to end this bad boy sooner rather than later.

Start Kissing Ass - For whatever reason, conservative talk radio hates your guts and would prefer having Robo-Romney represent them. This is of course, completely asinine. Call Rush, call Glenn Beck, call Sean Hannity. Buy these guys a beer or two and try to win them over. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can get some badly needed rest.

Thump Your Chest - Let's be honest, you are the only guy who could give anyone on the other side a run. But you're still not captivating the party faithful like someone of your stature should. Get some swag.

Consider Dying Your Hair - Let's be honest, lots of folks have reservations about giving you the Number One Spot because you're really, really, really old looking. Never mind the fact that your chief competitors are hardly spring chickens themselves. Romney has perfect hair, and a dye job too. Perception is errythang. Get yourself come blond highlights or something, and show off your trophy wife a bit more. Trust me, this'll shave decades off.

My Free Advice for Mitt Romney

Mike Huckabee upstaged you yesterday. Mike. Huckabee. You're a multimillionaire CEO with perfect (or so they say) hair, a trophy wife, legions of Mormom faithful, and a made for TV looking family. Life is good. Here's my advice to make it gooder.

Quit - You're clearly not connecting with voters. You're spending lots of your own money, but you seem to miss a critical point: people do not like you. Bow out gracefully while you've still got some semblance of dignity.

My Free Advice For Mike Huckabee

You shocked the world. They said the whole Christian Conservative movement was dead. They said southern politricians were no longer in vogue. But for one shining moment, you showed em'. Here's how to keep showin' em'.

Stay - The longer you stay in the race, the longer you make McCain's VP selection inevitable.

Get Money - You have been running on a shoestring budget. You are practically broke. But you've proven you can make it do what it do without funds. Now, find some way to tap into these megachurches and get yourself some more paper.

Expand - People, for better or for worse, still sorta see you as a religious nut. You'll need to adopt a more populist stance if you want to stick around longer.

My Free Advice for Ron Paul

You're still in the low single digits in every state, although you still have inexplicable levels of support and funding. Still, the writing (just as it's been for months) is on the wall. How do you erase that writing?

Quit - I have no friggin' idea who your supporters are anyway, but there clearly are not enough of them. You will not win. Bow out gracefully and pray for a cabinet appointment.

My Free Advice for Alan Keyes

Yes, this smiling Negro is still (technically) in the race. Yes, I have advice for him.

UPS Is Hiring - Let's keep it real, Alicia Keys has a better shot. Get a real damn job and quit allowing yourself to be whored out for the illusion of inclusion used. Have some dignity, black man!

My Free Advice for Ralph Nader

Yes, Nader is pondering a run. Yes, I have advice for him too.

Don't Run - Please, please, please, please stay your ass out the race. Your desire for self-importance and the adulation of others has already ruined enough races.

Questions (this one's multiple choice, take your pick):

* What does Obama need to do to capture the Hispanic vote?
* Should Hillary pull out Bill again or is he a liability?
* Who should McCain pick as his running mate?
* Is Romney wearing a hairpiece?
* Why does Ron Paul look so angry?
* If UPS isn't hiring, where should Alan Keyes look for his next job?

Weigh in early and often you-know-where.