I'm bothered by things the average man doesn't pay attention to. In a way, I feel it's my job to be bothered and to blog about it. This is what I do. I observe and report. With that said, I'm growing extra weary of men and their cellular sensibilities or the lack thereof. Something must be said. The respectability of millions of men is at stake. To remain silent, makes me complicit to the problem. I can't continue to have this on my conscience. So consider today's post an intervention of sorts. Men, if any of the following applies to you, take note. If it doesn't apply, take heart that you are making good decisions when it comes to your sense of technological style.
On that note, there are five things that all metro-savvy men need to know about carrying a cell phone:
1.) Men, with any sense of self-respect, don't carry Blackberry Pearls. For those offenders, today would be a good day to stop. It's one of the un-manliest things a guy can do - right up there with going to aerobics class and getting excited about the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. Another way to look at it is men simply shouldn’t carry phones that have ever been described as cute. Ever wonder why the good folks over at Research In Motion (RIM), the makers of the Blackberry, branded it something as effeminate sounding as the “Pearl”? Think about it: they got other phones named the Blackberry "Storm" (crap device by the way) and the Blackberry "Bold" - both very strong, if not aggressive, names. And you got the nerve to pull out of your purse pants something called the Pearl. It's not your defining moment as a man. More importantly, it’s 2010. If you are going to carry a smart phone, man the f#*k up and get a full keyboard.
2) There are only three colors to choose from when it comes to a man’s cell phone: black, blacker, and blackest. Minus some chrome or metallic trim, your phone should be militantly black. It should be so black that they throw in two sides of macaroni and cheese and collard greens (with packets of hot sauce). Any other color is simply not respectable. Show me a man carrying a primary colored phone and I'll show you a man women would never throw their panties on stage for. The choice in color, even if it's sub-conscious, is indicative of how he sees himself and runs his life. This is what I'm saying.
3) Look, I know you’re trying to take extra precaution, but stop placing your phone in those hideous protective cases that look combat-ready for overseas duty. While you're at it, lose the rubbery case. It looks and feels like a phone wrapped in a heavy duty impenetrable condom. Personally, I’m all about the unprotected conversations. Get a grip you candy-asses and stop being afraid you might drop your phone. It's comparable, in tackiness, to having expensive post-contemporary furniture only to be covered in those 70’s plastic “slip covers".
[Ed Note: I call BS on this one. OtterBox, FTW!]
4) For the love of God, stop carrying your cell phone in a holster. Unless you work in the IT Department or you want to look like you work in the IT Department, I strongly advise against it. Holsters are for guns, not cell phones. And I strongly advise that you don’t walk around in the public domain wearing a holster carrying either one.
5) And finally - cease and desist with the ringtones. If you’re a regular reader of my blog, I’m guessing you’re north of 30 years of age. No one needs to hear the newest obnoxious ringtone that a grown ass man just downloaded because he wants everyone to think he keeps up with the latest music. It’s the epitome of trying too hard.
Question: Got any additional cell phone faux pas? Ladies, what are your rules?
