Of course, the trick question is, "How do I know if the relationship is worth saving?" I find that most of my clients already know the answer before they come to my office. But we invest a lot in our relationships, and it's normal to want guidance on a decision as big as breaking up or staying with someone or if you are single you are able to chat with girls online. Here's the catch: I'm not so direct—my job is to steer the conversation and help the couple decide whatever is best for them. But you're not my client, so here's my advice:
My first tip is to stop thinking about cheating in a black-and-white way and instead think of it as points on a spectrum, with flirting on one end and a full-blown, top-secret affair on the other.
Then, ask your partner these questions: Why did you cheat? How did you decide to tell me or keep it secret? Would you make a different choice going forward? Why or how? What has changed?
Although it might feel like a punch in the gut, try to understand exactly why and how the cheating happened. From there you can decide if it seems like it was a good person making a bad choice or a lost person likely to make a string of bad choices. Truly understanding what happened is also the only way to build back trust—which you're going to need if you decide to stay.
Next, you have to ask yourself if this is something you can move past. That doesn't mean you have to forgive your partner or stop being angry. But it does mean you can't start treating him or her like crap as payback, because that's cutting off your nose to spite your face. It's not comfortable to be in a relationship where you're fighting all the time, regardless of whose "fault" it is.
Moving forward also means taking a hard look at your relationship and, instead of blaming your partner, being willing to work on aspects that aren't so great. For some couples, cheating actually brings to the surface issues in the relationship that had been swept under the rug. So it's possible to build a stronger and better relationship after someone has cheated. Yup, I said it.
If, after talking to your partner and being super honest with yourself, you decide to stay together, the next hurdle is telling any friends and family who know about the cheating. (If you didn't tell anyone, great—but you might want to see a therapist to sort out any lingering feelings so they don't set you off later.) This is where shame often kicks in—because we're told that strong people don't put up with cheating, it can be embarrassing to tell loved ones that you're sticking with it. But you know what, find strength in the fact that you're able to trust your own judgment and able to make a decision that is right for you. There is no shame in that.
The problem with the statistics on cheating is that these are just numbers. They don’t tell the complicated story of each relationship and its struggles over time. The numbers don’t know if your partner cheated only once or many times, if he truly regrets cheating or feels no remorse at all, if you have children you want to protect from divorce and if both of you still love each other deeply. So…how can you know whether to trust your spouse again and give him another chance?
These are 3 Signs That You Can Survive an Affair and Regain Trust in Him Again:
Sign #1 – He cut off all contact with the other woman
If you really want to regain trust in your partner you need to know that his lover is completely out of the picture, even if it’s difficult because the lover is a coworker or a neighbor. If the lover attempts to make contact, your spouse should let you know and discuss what to do about it with you. From now on there must be a complete transparency in your relationship. If your spouse agrees to all of this – It’s a very good sign that you can trust him again and save your relationship.
Sign #2 – He Shows Deep Regret
If your partner takes responsibility and shows deep remorse, it’s a good sign that you can start the healing process of your relationship. In many cases the cheater “uses” infidelity as a way to escape and end the relationship. In these cases it probably means that he doesn’t want to save the relationship at all. He must show real pain and guilt about his actions and bad choices. If they don’t, you have to be careful, it might mean that he will do it again and you will end up on the “broken up” part of cheating statistics.
Sign #3 – He Gives You All the Details
If you were cheated on you probably have dozens of questions running around in your head constantly. You also have obsessive and disturbing images of him with the other woman – these alone can drive you crazy. In order to get rid of the negative thoughts and of the affair images you have to know all the details. Most of the time the affair images running in your mind are much worse than the real details of his affair. If your spouse answers your questions and shares the details with you – It’s a great step towards healing and a good sign that your relationship will survive cheating.
How to Survive an Affair in Your Relationship
The most important aspect in salvaging a relationship after an affair is to do it the Right Way. It’s very common to get sucked into a vicious circle of anger, depression, resentment and obsessive-negative thoughts. Though these feelings are very legitimate, they will stop you from healing your relationship and moving on to a better and happier one. Imagine what would happen in your relationship if you knew….
How to erase the affair images from your mind
How to regain your self-esteem and confidence
How to talk about the details
How to know if he will do it again
Exactly what to do and say to save your relationship after an affair.
