When Did R&B Music Become So Foul-Mouthed?!?

[Editor's Note: Yeah, the blog's back. In a limited capacity, but back nonetheless.]

As a guy now firmly entrenched in his (early) 40's with a wife, 3 kids, a day job and a mortage, I find myself frequently revisiting my youth via the magic of Spotify. While I'm perfectly content listening to what passes for "hip hop" nowadays, I've got the illest 80's and 90's R&B playlists. Sorry, I just can't listen to today's R&B, and I'm not even sure if the genre, on which a rapper is featured more than the singer, even properly qualifies as R&B anymore.

Diet Drake ripoffs like Bryson Tiller and Tory Lanez are what pass for R&B today. Sure, there's still plenty of old man R&B being made that plays on the "grown and sexy" stations in most urban markets, but who wants to hear Keith Washington and Will Downing? Not even me, and I own albums those guys made. So yeah, I just stick with the older stuff, because the newer stuff sucks.

Case in point is many R&B artist's (new?) tendency to talk sh*t and curse. Not that this is anything new. As you purists will surely tell me, R&B singers like Millie Jackson and Clarence Carter have trafficked in low brow, crude content since the 60's. The difference is, those songs, and those artists were always seen as a novelty of sorts. A comical sideshow, not the norm.

Now, you can't listen to a song without being serenaded by curse words and called a "nigga". I just pulled up a random playlist on Spotify and played the first 10 or so songs. Rihanna ("Needed Me"), Tiller ("Exchange"), Tinashe ("Ride Of Your Life"), Chris Brown ("Back To Sleep"), Lanez ("Say It"), and Eric Bellinger ("Valet") all had the same recurring themes of sex, cheating, revenge and retaliation with enough curse words to make Samuel Jackson blush. If a generation of black kids are being raised on this sorta sh*t, what chance do we have to flourish as a people?

#BlackEarsMatter

By comparison, a random song from my 90's playlist, Monifah's "I Miss You", sounds like a relic of another era. Which is sorta is. And I like that. A lot.

You youngsters can keep that ratchet sh*t. I'll stick with my oldies.

Question: Do I have any valid points about how awful today's R&B music is, or do I just sound like the suburban soccer dad I've morphed into?

Arsenio Hall's Back.

Lost in the media domination America's two favorite pasttimes, football and war (!) this week was the return of a familiar face to the late night airwaves. If you were alive and allowed to stay up past 11pm in the late 80's, you're probably quite familiar with Arsenio Hall. His late night show was appointment TV: a hip (albeit corny) host, great interviews, and musical guests you couldn't see anywhere else on TV, mostly because nobody else would book them. The show was a cultural staple in black households, much like those large brown wooden forks everyone seemed to have on their living room walls back in the day.[1]

After a few years, the show's ratings declined, Hall extended an ill-advised middle finger to management by booking Louis Farrakhan as a guest, and the show was off the air quicker than you can say "anti Semitism". Hall basically disappeared off the face of the Earth for two decades before resurfacing on Celebrity Apprentice, winning it, and getting his own new show, which premiered Monday.

So it's back, but is it any good?



Personally, I don't care for late nite talk shows. I find Letterman/Leno/Kimmel annoying and lame. Leno in particular seems so bitter and mean spirited of late that I can't even make it past the opening monologue the rare times I forget to change the channel after the news goes off. But Hall's new show is good for the same reasons the original was. Namely, he has guests he seems to know very well (see the Ice Cube interview above) and he's got common stories with them you aren't gonna get elsewhere.

Format-wise, the show's virtually identical to it's predecessor. Same theme music, a "posse" playing generic "funk", the crowd barks and fist pumps, Arsenio makes the same Pinnochio fingered pointing gestures, smirks, laughs, and tells corny, sometimes inappropriate jokes. The show is still shaking off the rust, as Hall sometimes makes odd segues to commercial breaks, and is cringeworthy when interviewing people he doesn't know well, And the concept of a posse (and their style of music) seems anachronistic. Flaws aside, the show's still light years ahead of its counterparts. I like it, and while I typically prefer spending the rare time after my wife and kids are passed out playing NBA2K, I'll prolly tune in ever now and then.

Welcome back, Arsenio.

Question: Have you seen the new Arsenio Hall Show yet? Your thoughts?

‘Arsenio Hall Show’ Returns, With Much Familiarity [NYTimes]

[1] Speaking of Stuff Black People Used To Do: Anyone remember that purple punch with lemons in it they'd often serve after church? What the heck was that? Lemonade? Grape Kool Aid? Did this conconction have an actual name? Does this still exist anywhere in the South?

We Owned The 80's: Classic R&B Music.

It's likely no shocker to anyone who reads this blog that I have a peculiar fondness of 1980's era R&B music. It was the last decade when actual musical instruments were still used, songs were routinely about 8 minutes in length, albums only had 6-7 tracks tops, and best of all, there was no such thing as Lil' Wayne "feature". It was just plain ole' good, syrupy soul music, the way it was intended to be. It's little wonder that so many of these songs have been sampled to death.

I recently ran across a mixtape you'll probably like if you share this odd musical fetish. None of the songs on Statik Selektah & Lord Sear Present Open Bar Classics Vol. 1: The 80′s will be new to you if you came of age during The Greatest Decade Evar, but putting all them in the same well-paced 60 minute mix is a #win in and of itself. I mean, seriously, check the track listing.

Jocelyn Brown “Somebody Else’s Guy”
Fatback “I Found Lovin”
Rene & Angela “I Love You More”
The Whatnauts “Help Is On The Way”
Womack & Womack “Baby Im Scared Of You”
Fonda Ray “Over Like a Fat Rat”
Junior “Mama Used to Say”
Central Line “Walking Into Sunshine”
The Jones Girls “Nights Over Egypt”
Patty Austin & Quincy Jones “Betcha Wouldnt Hurt Me”
Donald Byrd “Love Has Come Around”
Gwen Guthrie "Seventh Heaven”
Stevie Wonder “Love Light In Flight”
Slave “Watching You”
Odyssey “Inside Out”
Sylvia Striplin “Give Me Your Love”
Alicia Myers “I Want To Thank You”
Chaka Khan “I Know You, I Live You”
Unlimited Touch “Searching To Find The One”
Jeanette Lady Day “Come Let Me Love You”
Atlantic Star “When Love Calls”
Shalamar “Night to Remember”
Change “The Glow Of Love”
Michael Jackson “Rock With You"

With no filler and minimal shoutouts/random DJ obnoxiousness, this is a tailor made soundtrack for your Memorial Day cookout, breezy Sunday ride, or smoking session obligatory trip down memory lane. And as always, the price it right: It's free.

Stop reading and go download it already.

Question: What's your favorite random 80's R&B song?!?

We Owned The 80's - Mediocre TV & Movies.

I'm sure it comes of no shock to anyone reading this blog, but I enjoy watching TV. Lots of it. Yes, I read books, and yes, I have a life. But I shole do loves me some teevee. Movies too.

One thing that constantly irks me about HollyWeird is its lack of originality. For every Avatar, you get a million lousy comic book remakes. This year alone has seen the so-so Clash Of The Titans, and a big screen adaptation of The A-Team is due in theaters very soon. Raise your hand if you are excited about this movie.



Damnit, does Bradlee Cooper have to be in every movie? Really? And who the heck is this guy playing BA Barakus? He's way too softspoken. Wasn't Terry Crews available? He woulda played a good Mr. T. Not that I care, cause I always thought the original was boring.

Even worse, now CBS is pulling the lousy Hawaii 5-0 out of the mothballs. Did anyone even like the original Hawaii 5-0? Does anyone remember anything about it other than "book'em Danno" and the theme music?



Much like that turrible Miami Vice movie a few years ago with Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell, something tells me this TV show won't bear any resemblance to the original other than its location. So again, what's the point?

Since remaking mediocre 80's TV and films seems to be all the rage right now, how about they do me a solid and try these on for size...

What's Happenin'? - A show about a trio of corny teenagers who hang out at a greasy spoon everyday after school probably wouldn't be as interesting nowadays. BTW, can someone explain to me why a trio of corny teenagers would hang out at a greasy spoon everyday after school? Did one of them work there, or did they just go so Re-Run could harass Shirley for some free pie? Refresh my memory.

Howard The Duck - Yeah, it was stupid, and the duck suit was cheesy. But it was a funny movie, and imagine how cool Howard would be in 2010 CGI form.

Alf - Again, cheesy show, but imagine the CGI possibilities.

Better Off Dead - "I Want My Two Dollars!" This is one of my favorite movies of all time, and probably the best of those 80's teenage angst films. I don't know who could take John Cusak's place, but still.

Knight Rider - Ooops. Already happened. And yeah, it sucked.

V - Ooops. But this remake was actually sorta good.

Soul Man - This flick about a white guy who takes tanning pills to turn himself black so he can get a minority college scholarship wouldn't fly today either. All the jive talkin' and race jokes would ensure it never got greenlit.

Back To School - Hard to remake without Rodney Dangerfield.

The Last American Virgin - The best of those 80's teenage t*t flicks.

The Dukes Of Hazzard - Triple oops.

The Last Dragon - This one was rumored a few years back, they'd even signed Samuel Jackson to play Sho-Nuff, then the idea pretty much died. Interestingly, right after the rumors of the remake broke, I started seeing the movie pop up on the channel guide of TV One every other weekend. Mere consequence? Hmmmmmm.

Question: Got any lousy 80's movies or TV you'd secretly like to see remade? Did you see everything on my list?

3 Play Thursday - The System

It's 3 Play Thursday. Today: 80's Duo The System.

Often confused with Babyface's incubator "The Deele", The System is a New York duo that put out a few nice, albeit overly synthesized grooves in The Greatest Decade Evar. Here's a trio of my favorites.

"Don't Disturb This Groove"



"In My System"



"Why You Wanna Hurt Me"



Question: Do you even remember The System, and if so, for what?

Laugh Break: Robin Harris.

[Editor's Note: This week marks the 20th anniversary of the death of a guy who might have been the best that ever did it with a few more years of material. Since I've already done a special edition of We Owned The 80's for Robin Harris, I figured this was as good a time as any for a Rewind. Enjoy.]

Anyone alive in the 80's surely remembers Robin Harris' shortlived career. I usually give my brand of commentary to these 80's retrospectives, but I am pulling from the guy's bio since I don't want to overlook anything.

1985 was Harris' year; as the master of ceremonies at the Comedy Act Theater, his “old school” brand of humor began to gain him a mainstream following. A large-eyed stand-up churlish brand of humor and quick put-downs were his trademark. Harris made a promising feature debut playing a no-nonsense bartender in the feature film I'm Gonna Git You Sucka (1988). Harris performed in Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing (1989). As "Sweet Dick Willie," Harris served as part of the neighborhood "Greek chorus" that commented on the events of an increasingly tense day. Harris was Pop, the no-nonsense, quick-witted father of Kid in House Party (1990). He followed up later that year with a small turn as a jazz club MC in Mo' Better Blues. He also had a role in Eddie Murphy's Harlem Nights (1989).

In Harris' "Bébé's Kids" routines, Harris' girlfriend Jamika would insist that he take her friend Bébé's three ill-behaved children with them on a date, as she continually agreed to babysit them. The children would regularly make a fool out of and/or annoy Harris. "We Bébé's kids," they would proclaim, "we don't die...we multiply."

The Hudlin Brothers had intended to make a feature film based upon the "Bébé's Kids" sketches, but Harris died while the film was in pre-production. Bébé's Kids instead became an animated feature—the first ever to feature an all-Black main cast—directed by Bruce W. Smith and featuring the voices of Faizon Love (as Harris), Vanessa Bell Calloway, Marques Houston, Nell Carter, and Tone Lōc.

Here's Harris' renowned BeBe's Kids routine. I've heard this over 1000 times, and it's still funny to this day.



The infamous "follow the drip" scene from House Party.



And here's his HBO One Night Stand. Yeah, the guy repeats jokes sometimes, but he still kills.



Sadly, Harris' career was short circuited by a massive heart attack that took his life in 1990. Odd as it may seen, he was only 36 at the time. Imagine what he'd have gone on to do had he lived.

Question: What's your favorite Robin Harris Joke? Had he lived, could Harris have eventually challenged Richard Pryor for the Funniest Of All Time crown?

3 Play Thursday - The Deele.

It's 3 Play Thursday. Today: 80's R&B Group The Deele.

Long before LA Reid and Babyface became the hottest production duo of the 90's they did time with an ultra corny 80's R&B group called The Deele, which actually put out some decent music, despite making the cheesiest videos of the decade, which is quite an accomplishment of its own. Here's a trio of my favorite.

"Two Occasions"



"Shoot 'Em Up Movies"



"Body Talk"



Question: Do you even remember The Deele, and if so, for what?

We Owned The 80's - R.I.P Corey Haim.

For those born after 1985, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman are prolly best known as a couple of washed-up stoners who had a lousy VH1 Celebreality-type show a few years ago. But for those of us who came of age during The Greatest Decade Evar, The Two Coreys are a part of our childhood. In the pre-BET, MTV-influenced 80's, prolly every black kid remembers The Lost Boys, Dream A Little Dream, and one of my all-time favorites, License To Drive.



Yes, I have that movie on DVD. No, I'm not ashamed to admit it. Sure, it looks lame to some of you kids, but it was our generation's SuperBad.

Haim was found dead this morning in his Los Angeles home. He was 38 years old.

Rest in Peace, Corey.

Question: Do you rememeber The Two Coreys?

Former Child Star Corey Haim Found Dead, Investigation Underway [FoxNews]

R.I.P. Teddy Pendergrass

Rest in peace to Mr. Teddy Pendergrass, a man responsible for the birth of more black children than Shawn Kemp. A true pioneer of babymakin' music.



If you're somehow unfamiliar with Teddy P's work, get familiar with this nice tribute mix by Shade 45's DJ Wonder. It has some original tunes, as well as quite a few hip hop songs that sampled them. I love the internet.

Rest in Peace, Teddy.

Teddy Pendergrass Dead at 59 [ABCNews]

Channel Your Inner White Guy - The Eurythmics.

I knew that if I kept doing this Channel Your Inner White Guy series, I'd eventually move beyond blue eyed soul singers that have some level of street cred, and venture all the way into just plain ole' white dudes with no hood appeal. Today, my friends, is such a day. Yes, I realize this feature may not be for everyone. No, I do not care.

As ya'll know, growing up in suburban NC in the 80's, there was no BET, and MTV barely played any black artist not named Michael or Prince. So I absorbed lots of music I prolly wouldn't have otherwise. The Eurythmics are such an example, and I love me some Eurythmics, especially frontwoman Annie Lennox. Peep this collection of their greatest hits.







Question: What's your favorite Eurythmics tune?

AB.com Guest Post - Are Ebony & Jet Worth Saving?!?

[Editor's Note: I'm still on vacation today, so my cyber cousin The Black Snob has the reigns, and examines the looming crisis for two Black institutions, the venerable Ebony and Jet Magazines. On a related note, The Snob and I have a pretty cool collaborative feature in the works. Stay tuned.]

I don't read Ebony or Jet and haven't done much more than skim through one in years. I'm apparently part of the problem that is killing the two magazines -- younger readers who use the internet as their primary news source and not print. According to Black Web 2.0, Johnson Publishing, which owns the magazines, is starting a new push on-line to redevelop their content and make it more internet savvy, but when Jet sent yet another letter in the mail essentially begging for my parents to renew, this time without even having to pay a thing, I realized how dire it was. It was even more interesting how little my parents, who have read both publications their entire lives, seemed interested in renewing.

By some accounts, Johnson Publishing is in crisis mode, with its print advertising revenue down three consecutive years and getting worse because of the recession and the wholesale shifting of advertising dollars to the Internet.

This year alone, Ebony’s advertising revenue has dropped 31.8 percent, according to the Publishers Reference Bureau. And the worst may not be over, as many marketers continue shifting dollars away from black media and focusing on the faster growing Hispanic audience.

The situation is so serious that Johnson Publishing has been forced to make a series of staff layoffs totaling some 150 people, according to published reports.

If older people aren't buying and younger people aren't reading, Ebony/Jet is going to have a tough time weathering the great Newspocalyse that has already claimed Vibe Magazine and many others.

Ebony/Jet are the originals, the survivors and the best known black publications in the US. But both have been criticized for their content and their content is why I don't read. I find both magazines lacking in complexity. Others have their reasons for not reading. But part of me is sad that both magazines are struggling in light of the fact there are so few black-owned publications. What would Ebony/Jet have to do to get you interested in reading their product or do you believe that if they can't survive the market they should be allowed to die?

Question: Do you care if Ebony/Jet is still on the shelves? In today's web-centric, postracial America, is there even a need for these magazines anymore? When's the last time you picked up a copy of either?

Amid A Crisis, Ebony and Jet Look To Web For Help. [BlackWeb2.0]

More Snobbery [TheBlackSnob]

Channel Your Inner White Guy - The Cars.

One of these days when I get back around to my "We Owned The 80's" series, I'll give Rick Ocasek & The Cars their due. Until then, cop the headphones and peep this lovely soundtrack of some of their greatest hits.







Question: What's your favorite Cars tune?

Channel Your Inner White Guy - Fleetwood Mac.

I knew that if I kept doing this Channel Your Inner White Guy series, I'd eventually move beyond blue eyed soul singers that have some level of street cred, and venture all the way into just plain ole' white dudes with no hood appeal. Today, my friends, is such a day. Yes, I realize this feature may not be for everyone. No, I do not care.

As ya'll know, growing up in suburban NC in the 80's, there was no BET, and MTV barely played any black artist not named Michael or Prince. So I absorbed lots of music I prolly wouldn't have otherwise. Fleetwood Mac is such an example, and I love me some Fleetwood Mac, espectially frontwoman Stevie Nicks. Peep this collection of their greatest hits.







Question: What's your favorite Stevie Nicks or Fleetwood tune?

Channel Your Inner White Gal - Pat Benatar.

I knew that if I kept doing this Channel Your Inner White Guy series, I'd eventually move beyond blue eyed soul singers that have some level of street cred, and venture all the way into just plain ole' white folks with no hood appeal. Today, my friends, is such a day.

As ya'll know, growing up in suburban NC in the 80's, there was no BET, and MTV barely played any black artist not named Michael or Prince. So I absorbed lots of music I prolly wouldn't have otherwise. Pat Benatar is such an example, and I love me some Pat Benatar. Peep this short collection of her greatest hits.







Question: What's your favorite Pat Benatar tune?

Channel Your Inner White Guy - Billy Joel.

I knew that if I kept doing this Channel Your Inner White Guy series, I'd eventually move beyond blue-eyed soul singers that have some level of street cred, and venture all the way into just plain ole' white dudes with no hood appeal. Today, my friends, is that day.

Billy Joel is more or less a walking joke nowadays, with his weight gain, and motorcycle accidents, and costly divorces, and legal problems, etc. But once, long ago, before he became a punchline, the man made some truly beautiful music. Cop the headphones and enjoy.







Question: What's your favorite Billy Joel tune?

Poll Position - Good Music Never Goes Outta Style.

So, I ran a poll the other day asking ya'll which modern decade you though produced the best quality R&B music. For obvious reasons, I didn't include the Motown era of the 60's, since I was pretty sure it would skew the numbers. I almost toyed with the idea of not including the 70's either, but relented. And wouldn't you know it, The Decade When AB Was Born ran away with this one.

It was pretty close early on, but the 70's eventually made a late run to turn it into a blowout. The 90's surprisingly edged out the 80's as second best decade evar. The 2000's, uhh, not so much.

This whole exercise lead me to question just why the 90's did so comparatively well. Yeah, I guess there were some good acts (TLC, Boyz II Men, En Vogue) making good music then, but this decade also marked the beginning of the end of "pure R&B", as it's merger with hip hop music forever changed the genre's sound. By comparing, the 80's, with it's proliferation of sangers (Evelyn Champagne King), bands (SOS, Cameo), and overly synthesized tunes ("Ring My Bell") is probably the most musically varied. Seriously, the "sound" of the 80's changed so many times, from funk, to EuroSoul, quiet storm, to vocoders, to New Jack Swing. Naturally, this was my choice.

Anyways, since I can't think of any better way to wrap this up, I present to you, a slept-on song from each decade that I could put on "repeat" and literally listen to all day. Add your favorite "press repeat" tunes you-know-where.

Roy Ayers - "Searching" (1978) - My Roy Ayers stannery is well documented. Asking me to pick a favorite song is like asking me to pick a favorite flavor of Vitamin Water. They're all good. "Searching" is one of those songs you can sing along with and never be too offkey, given the constant (albeit rhythic) wailing. [Also Considered: "What You Won't Do for Love" by Bobby Caldwell, "Work to Do" by The Isley Brothers, "Innervisions" by Stevie Wonder]



Loose Ends - "Hangin' On A String" (1985) - Comical as the notion sounds nowadays, British acts like Loose Ends and Soul II Soul had the R&B charts on lock for a solid 2-3 years with their futuristic (read: recklessly overproduced) brand of tunes. "Hangin' On A String" is a song that literally sounds like a Sunday afternoon in July. This song really doesn't age. 25 years later, the guitars licks still sound fresh. [Also Considered: "Groove Me" by Guy, "I Want Her" by Keith Sweat, "Stronger than Pride" by Sade]



Zhane - "Crush" (1997) - Man, I just really, really, really like this song. You can easily substitute the words "her" for "him", and you've got the perfect "what if?" song. It's kinda sad that these ladies didn't have more staying power. [Also Considered: "Keep Tryin'" by Groove Theory, "Come & Talk to Me (Album Version)" by Jodeci, "It Never Rains (In Southern California)" by Tony! Toni! Toné!]



Glenn Lewis - "And Don't Your Forget It" (2001) - This is the sorta song that makes me wish I could sing. Honestly, I still have no idea what this song is actually about, but damn if that Dre & Vidal production wasn't smooth. These guys were the architects of the Philly sound that defined Jill Scott's breakthrough first album. I have no idea which Sizzler they, or Mr. Lewis are currently employed at. [Also Considered: "Long Walk" by Jill Scott, "Daywatcher" by Foreign Exchange, "Beautiful" by Tweet]



Question: What are your favorite "press repeat" R&B songs? Which decade had the best music, and why?

We Owned The 80's - Robin Harris.

Anyone alive in the 80's surely remembers Robin Harris' shortlived career. I usually give my brand of commentary to these 80's retrospectives, but I am pulling from the guy's bio since I don't want to overlook anything.

1985 was Harris' year; as the master of ceremonies at the Comedy Act Theater, his “old school” brand of humor began to gain him a mainstream following. A large-eyed stand-up churlish brand of humor and quick put-downs were his trademark. Harris made a promising feature debut playing a no-nonsense bartender in the feature film I'm Gonna Git You Sucka (1988). Harris performed in Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing (1989). As "Sweet Dick Willie," Harris served as part of the neighborhood "Greek chorus" that commented on the events of an increasingly tense day. Harris was Pop, the no-nonsense, quick-witted father of Kid in House Party (1990). He followed up later that year with a small turn as a jazz club MC in Mo' Better Blues. He also had a role in Eddie Murphy's Harlem Nights (1989).

In Harris' "Bébé's Kids" routines, Harris' girlfriend Jamika would insist that he take her friend Bébé's three ill-behaved children with them on a date, as she continually agreed to babysit them. The children would regularly make a fool out of and/or annoy Harris. "We Bébé's kids," they would proclaim, "we don't die...we multiply."

The Hudlin Brothers had intended to make a feature film based upon the "Bébé's Kids" sketches, but Harris died while the film was in pre-production. Bébé's Kids instead became an animated feature—the first ever to feature an all-Black main cast—directed by Bruce W. Smith and featuring the voices of Faizon Love (as Harris), Vanessa Bell Calloway, Marques Houston, Nell Carter, and Tone Lōc.

Here's Harris' renowned BeBe's Kids routine. I've heard this over 1000 times, and it's still funny to this day.



The infamous "follow the drip" scene from House Party.



And here's his HBO One Night Stand. Yeah, the guy repeats jokes sometimes, but he still kills.



Sadly, Harris' career was short circuited by a massive heart attack that took his life in 1990. Odd as it may seen, he was only 36 at the time. Imagine what he'd have gone on to do had he lived.

Question: What's your favorite Robin Harris Joke? Had he lived, could Harris have eventually challenged Richard Pryor for the Funniest Of All Time crown?

We Owned The 80's - Dope Boys.

This may come as a total surprise to some of you, but I wasn't always the "positive", "progressive", and "level-headed" dude ya'll read on this site each day. Once, long ago, in a land far, far, away (aka: suburban Raleigh, NC), I was a misguided, impressionable youth. Despite having a very stable two-parent household, being academically gifted, and living in a decidedly middle-classed neighborhood, I too was a corruptible young man.

I wanted to be a Dope Boy.[1]

When I hit 11th grade, lots of the guys in my high school began showing up with cool Starter jackets, Enkei rims on their cars, Jordans, and herringbone chains. In the late 80's, all this stuff was popular, so please don't judge me as no bama. Even though I had a car of my own (a maroon Mazda 626 I bought when I was 15 with money earned from an illegal child labor parttime job bagging groceries), and could buy my own clothes, and definitely didn't need the money (we were hardly starving), something about watching the Cool Kids show up everyday flashing their ill-gotten wares was mesmerizing. Sure, they were taking penitentiary chances for short term gain, but I didn't think about that. I just wanted to be down. Every dude (and I do mean every dude) was doin' it.

D-Boys in my hometown weren't the ultra-glorified hyper-masculine version you see on American Gangster. They were respectful and called old ladies "Ma'am". They lived in their mother's basements. They had their baby mamas co-sign for their Buick Regal Grand National. They shopped at Woodall's and New York Fashions. They went to the American Legion Saturday night, and woke up for First Baptist Sunday morning. Rayful Edmond they were not.

Perhaps no guy in and around my small hometown symbolized Dope Boy Flyness better than Montrell Holmes.[2] A twentysomething middle-school dropout from a large family with a long reputation (spanning from great-grandma to elementary school-aged cousins) of taking penitentiary chances, Montrell was without a doubt the coolest Negro ever born in central Nawf Cack. Lightskinnded with wavvy hair and a flowing Ralph Tresvant shag, dude had all the ladies. His pockets was straight. And perhaps most oddly, even though his occupation made him a pariah to the community, Montrell was so damn cool and charming, even chuuuch ladies smiled when he made his occasional visit to Sunday service. If you didn't have a clue of his ruthless reputation of strongarm violence, you'd swear he was a grad student at a nearby HBCU. He was our smalltown version of Nino Brown.

I'm definitely not one to jock another dude's steez, but the guy was cool.



One of my most vivid Montrell memories occurred on one bright Summer day. I was (as usual) in front of my parents ranch-style home washing my car, when I heard a loud wailing in the distance. This had to be 1990 or so, and that En Vogue song, "Hold On" was just becoming popular.

I heard, "when Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii, haaaaaad you..." about 2 blocks away.

I heard, "..But Siiinnncce" about 1 block away.

I heard, "AND I WONDEERRRRRRRR", half a block away.

And when that black Trans-Am on 24's turned the corner, you know what was next.

"LOOOOOVINNNN' YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!"

"BOOOMMMMMM!!!!"

Montrell's system was bumpin' so loud, the bucket I was washing my car from was rattling. He pulled up next door to pick up Anita, his baby mama, and prolly the baddest 20-something chick in our cul de sac.

The car, which cruised up spaceship quiet, rolled to a stop, but rather than cut the music off, Montrell just left the song, now playing at aircraft engine decibels, playing as he walked inside. This had to be about the most brolic, arrogant, ignant sh*t I'd ever experienced firsthand in my entire young adult life. As he approached the door, he looked over at me, nodded, smiled, mouthed "what's up lil' man?", and walked inside, music still blaring. I felt like I'd just met Barack Obama.

That was one cool assed Negro.

Needless to say, my Dope Boy aspirations never quite panned out. Due to my parents' occupations, nobody would get within 10-feet of asking me to be "down". Hell, I coulda been tryin to cop, but folks were so leery of my Dad, they prolly woulda just passed anyway. A few months later, a next door neighbor of my grandma's was home for Spring Break and told me all about how he was studying Electrical Engineering at his HBCU, and how cool college was, and how much money Engineers made, and how all the cute girls loved guys that made money. My desire to slang crack was instantly replaced by an interest in circuits and semiconductors. When the Clinton Era bought a sustained period of economic prosperity to urban, suburban, and rural America, and the Dope Boy trade experienced a brief decline in headcount during the 90's as Negroes opted instead to get a real job, sans penitentiary chances. And the rest, as they say, is history.

As for Montrell, you can prolly write the end of this story yourself. Have at it. I'll chime in later and tell you what actually happened.

Question: How do you think Montrell's story ended? Got any "I can't believe I looked up to that idiot!" childhood stories of your own? How did En Vogue's "Hold On" and LL Cool J's "Boomin' System" get away with using essentially the same beat?

[1] I'm only about, say, 2% serious about this. My Dad woulda literally killed me if he found some "work" in my dresser drawer. I ain't that stupid.

[2] Not his real name. Emphatically not his real name.

Channel Your Inner White Guy - Quiet Storm Edition.

While 80's pop music is mostly known for garish synthesizers and tacky outfits, there was also some decent "slow" music made during The Greatest Decade Evar. I can't exactly say I've ever put the following tunes on a Maxell tape, but they're good background music nonetheless.

Enjoy this very special edition of CYIW with the one you love, or at least in an elevator you like. It's right at home in either place.



Question: Got any 80's Pop "Quiet Storm" favorites?

Channel Your Inner White Guy - Duran Duran.

Ya'll can front all you want, but you know you liked British pop band Duran Duran just as much as I did. One of these days when I get back around to my "We Owned The 80's" series, I'll give Simon Lebon and Co. their props. Until this, cop the headphones and peep this lovely soundtrack of some of their greatest hits.



Question: What's your favorite Duran Duran tune?