WorkPlace 101: The Stankin' Co-Worker

You know him. You hate him. You might could be him, but I pray you're not cause that would be really triflin' on so many different levels.

That's right party people, I'm talkin' about fonky assed co-workers.

Every office has that guy whose breath, armpits, or assorted nether-regions smell like hot trash on a hundred degree day. And my office is no exception. We actually have two of them though.

The first guy is named Dikembe[1]. He is from Nigeria, and smells like he hasn't bathed since he left the Motherland, which wasn't exactly yesterday. His feet are the stereotypical "jumping jacks in a bag of Gold Medal" that you come to expect of some of our sistren and brethren. Was that mildly xenophobic? Sure. But you should see the Mount St. Helens level of ash on this cat's ankles. He needs to take a few baths in Eucerin.

Worse, Deke's breath is legendarily bad, but he (much like Office MotorMouth Stanley) is pretty good as his technical niche, which means sometimes you can't avoid going to visit his office if you really need the answer to a question. And unfortunately for me, since his area of expertise is one I know little about, this means I'm down the hall at his place more than I'd like. I always emerge with the desired answers, and far fewer nose hairs.

Perhaps worse is Pfong[2], another co-worker who seems to have no concept of his personal hygeine or lack thereof. Again, I know I'm toeing the line of xenophobia yet again here, and I'm aware some people's religious or cultural customs might be at play. But still, how can you not smell your own ass? I know he can. And since he can, how can he not be completely repulsed to the point of exhaustion. I can literally smell this cat the moment he pulls into the parking garage.

Even Dikembe walks past his office and is like "what the f*ck was that smell?".

Unlike the first in this series, I don't really have any point in posting this one, so consider the question merely a suggestion, while I duck outside for some fresh air.

Question: How do you typically deal with co-workers who have less than stellar personal hygeine?

More WorkPlace 101 [AB.com]

[1] Not his real name.

[2] Not his real name either. I love my Day Job and my home. I'd prefer to keep both.

Are The McCains Broke!?!?

Of course they aren't, not when dude's wife is worth a cool hunned milli.[1]

But I'm at a loss for words trying to understand just how these folks are literally drenched in moula, but can't cover a simple property tax bill on one of their seven homes.

When you're poor, it can be hard to pay the bills. When you're rich, it's hard to keep track of all the bills that need paying. It's a lesson Cindy McCain learned the hard way when NEWSWEEK raised questions about an overdue property-tax bill on a La Jolla, Calif., property owned by a trust that she oversees. Mrs. McCain is a beer heiress with an estimated $100 million fortune and, along with her husband, she owns at least seven properties, including condos in California and Arizona.

San Diego County officials, it turns out, have been sending out tax notices on the La Jolla property, an oceanfront condo, for four years without receiving a response. County records show the bills, which were mailed to a Phoenix address associated with Mrs. McCain's trust, were returned by the post office. According to a McCain campaign aide, who requested anonymity when discussing a private matter, an elderly aunt of Mrs. McCain's lives in the condo, and the bank that manages the trust has not been receiving tax bills on the property.

Shortly after NEWSWEEK inquired about the matter, the McCain aide e-mailed a receipt dated Friday, June 27, confirming payment by the trust to San Diego County in the amount of $6,744.42. County officials say the trust still owes an additional $1,742 for this year, an amount that is overdue and will go into default July 1. Told of the outstanding $1,742, the aide said: "The trust has paid all bills shown owing as of today and will pay all other bills due."

Overall, this is much ado about nothing, despite what the Huffington Post and others will try and tell you. It seems like little more than an administrative oversight. And if CindyMac isn't bakin' her own cookies, I can damn sure guarantee you somebody else is cutting checks for her. Cause she just balls out like that.

Seriously, CindyMac prolly spends $6,700 on a party weekend trip to the spa. So, this is nothing. But it does put the spectre of Cindy McCain's ludicrous fortune in the news somewhat. I mean, seriously, how heavy are you ballin' when you just happen to forget to pay the tax bill on one of your seven homes?

In a roundabout way, this is why the continued right-wing assault on the Obamas as being elitists sounds so incredibly stupid. Reality is, both Michelle and Barack are only one generation removed from poverty. Barack's grandparents struggled mightily (mainly due to some horrible financial decisions by his grandad) to provide for him. She grew up with both parents, one income, and a brother in a one bedroom apartment. It's widely known that they were both still swimming in over $100k in student loan debt as recently as 2 years ago.

But of course, two Negroes who struggle to improve their lives by getting an education (both on partial academic scholarships might I add) are elitist. Yeah, that adds up to me.

Seriously, could November hurry up and get here or what?

Question: Do you think the Obamas are elitist? How exactly do you define elitist?

Cindy McCain Pays Back Taxes On Condo [Newsweek]

[1] As much as I don't care for Lil' Wayne, I'll admit. That song is starting to grown on me.

Does AB Owe That Woman An Apology?

Real Talk.

As a person born with male genitalia, I don't pretend to understand the nuances of sexism in America. Much like those born with white privilege who think racism is a figment of the imagination, being a man often means being completely oblivious to the sorts of things women encounter on the daily this male dominated world.

As I've watched the aftermath of the Democratic nomination fade into the rearview mirror, it's puzzled me that the same question of whether or not That Woman's supporters will fall behind Obama, choose McCain, or not vote at all, persists. Recent polls show Barry with a sizable advantage among women overall, which would seem to indicate that quite a few women have "gotten over it" already.

But of course, there are many who haven't. The venom spewed by some of That Woman's supporters has been downright scary. Who could forget the infamous Harriet Christian outburst? There are still many women's coalitions that are actively planning to boycott at the Democratic National Convention in August. Many pro-That Woman blogs have switched allegiance squarely to McCain.

The Washington Post recently explored the dynamic of female voters who can't get over their recent loss.

While Clinton and Obama are scheduled to campaign together today in the symbolic New Hampshire town of Unity, many in this loose confederation of nonconformists have embraced a mantra that runs counter to the notion of reconciliation: "Party Unity My Ass." They have taken to calling themselves "Pumas" and have adopted as their logo -- on T-shirts and Facebook pages -- the portrait of a snarling cougar. Though not all have the same specific grievances or agree on a course of protest, they are linked by their dissatisfaction with the primary process and its result, and are unpersuaded by the gestures of heroine Hillary.

Several groups are planning marches in Denver, the site of this summer's Democratic National Convention. Others are organizing a Clinton write-in campaign or have switched to Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), creating sites to promote his candidacy. Some have more targeted interests, such as establishing an ongoing critique of misogyny in the media, pressing for changes in Democratic National Committee rules on delegate selection, even the ouster of national party chairman Howard Dean. "Howard Dean is running this party like it is a Soviet-style dictatorship," fumed Faith Chatham, a Clinton delegate to the Texas Democratic convention.

In Texas, where the complaints about party leadership have been persistent and noisy, some Clinton stalwarts are trying to mount challenges to the Democratic caucus results. "It ain't over," said Harriet Irby, a longtime Democratic precinct chairwoman in Tarrant County, claiming there were many irregularities and insisting that she will sit out the presidential election if Obama is the nominee, and vote only for down-ballot Democrats this fall.

For the life of me, I haven't been able to fathom why these women don't look at $5/gallon gas, a war killing their sons, the cost of health care, etc., and "just get over it".

After watching this video, though, I think I'm beginning to understand.



I'll freely admit that I watched quite a few of those news shows, and heard quite a few of those comments broadcast in real time. Seldom, if ever, did it occur to me that what was being said might be painfully offensive to many women, just as watching Fox News desecrate the Black church and insult Black America repeatedly has been painful to me.

But watching the montage of sexist remark after sexist remark gives me some small window into how hard it might be for many of That Woman's supporters to "just get over it". If the shoe were on the other foot, I would likely feel the same.[1] I sorta, kinda get it now.

The big problem here is that That Woman's supporters are taking their anger out on Obama, not the culprits themselves (the media). Obama endured months of racially tinged insults that came directly from That Woman, her husband, and many of their direct surrogates. It's all quite thoroughly documented.

The most you could say in inverse is that Obama was off base with that "you're plenty likable Hillary" comment, but that's (in my sexist opinion) peanuts compared to being called a secret Muslim who only benefited from affirmative action, and may be killed at any moment.

Why then, are these women taking their aggression out on a Presidential candidate who shares virtually all the same positions as their fallen candidate of choice, when this candidate hardly did anything personally to offend them? I can't really say, but I'm guessing it's simply easier to take your frustrations out on an inadequate black male than to fight the institutional media bias itself.



Then again, maybe it's just momentary sour grapes.

So, while I think the anger and disillusionment of That Woman's supporters is completely misguided, I do on some abstract testosterone-laiden level understand it a bit better now.

And since I'm trying to turn a page and be more sensitive to "the other half", I guess it's time to bury a hatchet of my own.

She's no longer That Woman. She's back to being Hillary Rodham Clinton again.

Question: Even if their anger is misguided, do you understand or sympathize with Hillary Clinton's supporters? Do you think sexism was as rampant as racism in this year's race for the Democratic nomination?

Hill, Yes! O., No! [Washington Post]

[1] The shoe's not on the other foot (Obama won), but I still do feel the same (that the media and the Clintons treated him like crap), so I hope I didn't undermine my own point.

Bonus: Harriet Christian - Civil Rights Advocate/ Menthol Cigarette Smoker

The Dumbest Rap Beef Ever!?!?

Who said hip-hop was dead?

Ice T accuses Soulja Boy of singlehandedly ruining hip hop.



Soulja Boy responds.



Ice T Backpedals... sorta



Ice T Squashes The Beef



I'll be honest, as much as a completely disdain both involved parties, I think Ice T looks like a jackass here. He's obviously puffin' out his old chest cause he has an album (which nobody will even illegally download) to hawk, and if you gotta pick a target, a simpleton like Soulja Boy Tell Em' is easy pickins.

Still, you're darn near 50. Rap is a young man's sport. You don't see Bill Russell hatin' on Amare Stoudamire, do you? So, trying to go toe to toe with a mentally challenged 17 year old is a battle you're gonna lose before you even start.

On the flipside, Ice T isn't exactly doing anything to elevate the artform either. Has the man been relevant musically since "Colors"? And don't even get me started on that "wife" of his.

Soulja Boy didn't singlehandedly ruin hip-hop. He is the personification of the years and years of damage that greedy record labels and greedier media outlets (TV, black radio) have cultivated. He isn't smart enough to ruin anything other than the innocence of a 12 year old.

Leave the kid alone, Mr. Ice.

Question: Is this the dumbest rap beef ever?

Another Of Cotton Hill McCain's Dirty Secrets

Beware: Repeated use of the "C" word. Cop the headphones.

Does Barack Have A Backbone!?!

I know I'm gonna piss off half of my readers, but I gotta get this off my chest.

I'm beginning to wonder exactly what Barack Obama stands for.

They keep attacking his Pastor. He caves in and throws the man under the bus.

They keep attacking his church. He leaves it.

They attack his wife constantly. He waits months to actually say something publicly in her defense.

They call him unpatriotic. He caves in and puts on the damn lapel pin.

They accuse him of being a Muslim and secret terrorist. He laughs it off.

They call him "acting white" and "pandering to white guilt". He brushes his shoulders off.

They talk shit about him, accuse him of reverse racism and run his name into the ground. He helps them pay off their campaign debt.[1]

You and I both know this is the delicate balancing act that a black man running for the Number One Spot must endure. We talk about it every day here, we live some variation of it every day in our lives. He is playing the game to get the job. We've all done it.

But after watching Barack Obama play this "non-threatening black guy" role to perfection, I'm beginning to wonder exactly what's left when you take away all the compromise. In short, if you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. What stops dude from continually bending over and grabbing his ankles once he gets in the White House? When exactly does he say "eff' political correctness" and C.Y.I.N.!?!? Does he even have an Inner Nigga?

I know some of you are gonna be upset that I'm publicly questioning Obama's tactics when I frequently talk about toeing the fine line to succeed in America myself. I'll take that hit. But who says you can't both support a person and be critical of them?

I only "drink the Kool Aid" for God, my wife, and my son. Period. So Obama, while I love his candidacy and what it potentially represents, is hardly above reproach.

Again, I know "the game". I know there's a need to balance things. You gotta tell folks what they wanna hear. I get all that, and can't say I fault him for understanding the racial dynamics of American politricks circa 2008, and acting accordingly. Don't get me wrong, I'm still squarely behind him. I'll give him money (again) that's not earmarked for That Woman's rent party. I will actively campaign for him (again) in the Fall. And I'm definitely still voting for him (again) because he is undoubtedly on the right side of the issues I'm most concerned about.

But I'm beginning to wonder to myself, what exactly does this guy stand for?

Question: Are you a bit concerned what Obama's "go along to get along" approach to getting elected might mean should he actually get elected?

Obama donates $4600 to Clinton's debt relief [AP]

[1] This bama just cut dual $2,300 checks on both his and his wife's behalves. I wonder how Michelle feels about that one. I'd hate to hear tonight's pillow talk.

AB.com Guest Post: The Black Sitcom and The Talent Showcase

[Editor's Note: Anyone who's been around here for some time knows I frequently swagger-jack my cyber-homegirl Thembi. Those We Owned The 80's lists? Check. 13 Debits. Yup. Those MultiMedia Exposés? You betcha. So when I saw this thorough analysis of the Black sitcoms the other day, I couldn't help but bring it over to you guys, out of respect to the architect of course. Enjoy Responsibly, and show some love you-know-where.]
Why is it that almost every black sitcom has had at least one "talent showcase" episode, while such episodes on mainstream sitcoms have been few and far between? I've certainly never seen anyone seriously throwing on costumes to sing and dance on Friends or Seinfeld, and the "talent showcase" in black sitcoms certainly pre-dates reality shows like American Idol. Ever since I learned that "coonery" is one of the search terms that has brought people to WWTD, I've been thinking a lot about our tendency to cut a rug and start up some showtime just for its own sake.

I believe that random talent showcasing on black sitcoms is due to two factors: first, black sitcoms have so many multi-talented performers that can do more than just act. Secondly, black folks DO coon it up, making any plot-twist requiring an impromptu jig absolutely realistic. Perhaps the stereotype of singin' and dancin' black folk has some merit, and if it ain't broke, let's not fix it!

Since I consider it a defining characteristic of black shows, I've put together a collection of such showtimes.[1] Enjoy.

227



Lord have mercy. That hair and those outfits! Rose, aka Alaina Reed Hall, is singing like she's still waiting to be discovered in this clip of her, Jackee, and Marla Gibbs doing a number by the Pointer Sisters. As if things couldn't get any more 80's, Sherman Helmsley breaks in with his classic jig towards the end.

Good Times



My favorite episode of Good Times is always changing. This month, Rent Party takes the cake. It contains what I consider the most cooneriffic moment in black sitcom history, which I've posted in the past, and Michael's oh-so-sassy dance number. Take note of the hip-pops towards the end of this clip, the epitome of "good old-fashioned entertainment" unfettered by the burdens of male hyper-heterosexuality. What you may not know is that Ralph Carter, who played Michael, released this song as a single in 1975 and was dead serious with it, too.



And I can't leave out Thelma, Flo, and Wilona's attempt at a Supremes impression without simultaneously marveling at the contrast between the extraness of Bernadette Stanis and the old-lady cuteness of Esther Rolle.

A Different World



Speaking of female trios, doesn't it seem a little over-the-top for three distant acquaintances to rent costumes and put together a dance number for you as you're being deployed to the Iraq War? Blair Underwood is fine and all, but Kim, Whitley, and Jaleesa giving him this little salute was clearly written into the episode for showboating purposes. As usual, Whitley steals the comedic stage while Jaleesa tries her hardest to break it down.

Martin



Martin exemplified coonery left and right, but can we take a second to recognize how hard Gina and Pam are SANGIN' in this clip? And can we also remember the fact that Yo-Yo, a Grammy-nominated rapper, graced this show with her fabulous presence in full-on Cross Colours gear? And can we also remember that singing any gospel song like you mean it will always save the day, even if you're wearing a polyester pinstriped vest? R.I.P Lawanda Page.

Bonus: The Cosby Show



I know that if the word "coonery" and a Cosby Show video are in the same post I may get a letter in the mail threatening legal action, but how can I responsibly talk about black American singin' and dancin' and not include a Cosby family lip-syncing clip?

Question: Can you think of any favorites of yours that I left out? I know that I sing and dance with my family and friends at the drop of a hat - do you? Please let me know in the comments section.

Peep More Random Silliness at What Would Thembi Do?

[1] Yeah, we know. "Where's Bubblin' Brown Sugar"? Neither Thembi nor I could locate an embeddable version. If you've got a link, please pass it along.

Your Second Chance To See The BET Awards, Tonight!!!

[We Watched, Now You Can Too.]
I'm not issuing this reminder because I want to help BET's ratings. Nope, it's purely selfish. I want you to watch the rebroadcast of The BET Awards 08' tonight (Friday the 27th) at 7:30PM EST so you can relive the exhausting live-blogging experiment I subjected my family to the other day.

Here's the links you'll need to get it poppin'. Leave live comments you know where.

AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: PreShow Edition
AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: Hour One
AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: Hour Two
AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: Hour Three

Enjoy Responsibly.

The Kindred Spirits Of Latarian Milton

It's been awhile since we last heard from our husky hoodrat friend Latarian Milton. You'll recall this past Spring, the 7 year old Florida youth made national news for stealing and subsequently wrecking his grandma's SUV. The followed this impressive feat with a far less funny action only weeks later, when he snapped in an argument over (what else?) chicken wings, and gut punched Grandma repeatedly in a Walmart superstore. The last word I got on this sad ordeal was that Latarian was "getting a mental evaluation", which is a nice was of sayin' they're preppin' him for juvie already.

Anyways, in the weeks since, we've seen an explosion of similar "kids gone bad" stories across the nation. I swear, I get emailed these sorts of stories at least twice a week. Thank you AverageNation™ for keeping me informed on this burgeoning trend in preteen crime.

There was Semaj (yes, James spelled backwards) Booker, a 10 year old in Washington State who while ticketless, managed to hop on not one, but two Southwest Airlines flights and made it halfway around the country before getting busted. He was going to visit his grandfather. Just last year, Semaj also made national headlines of his own for stealing a neighbor's car and leading police on a high speed chase. Yikes!

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A few weeks ago, someone sent me a link about a 9 year old kid in Ohio named Hunter Lance, who stole the keys to him mom's minivan while she was sleeping. With his 5 year old sister ridin' shotgun, he took off, heading to go visit his father at work.

Yesterday, I'm at the gym, and I see the news ticker indicate some 7 year old in Indiana stole his mom's car, and took off, supposedly in search of his brother. He had apparently learned to drive while playing (what else?) Grand Theft Auto IV.

With all this attention being showered on his fellow preteen motorists, I knew it was just a matter of time before Latarian elbowed his way back into the spotlight.

Yep, he's baaaaack. Forgive the excessive quoting. I didn't know where to edit this one.

When a 7-year-old boy takes his grandmother's Dodge Durango on an 8-minute joy ride, hits two mailboxes, two parked cars, two moving cars, and finally stops only when he hits a sign and knocks the right front wheel off the SUV, you know where that little boy belongs.

On Judge Judy.

Come July 1, LaTarian Milton; his mother, Ashley Milton Mickeens; and his grandmother, Vikkita Stratford, will be in Los Angeles, taping a segment of the popular afternoon justice show.

"Judge Judy contacted me about two days after my grandson took the SUV," Stratford recalled Monday.

That was April 25, when drivers called 911 to report "a small person driving a car" in the vicinity of Northlake Boulevard and Congress Avenue in Lake Park. No one was hurt, but the boy was charged with stealing the car, then returned to his family.

"I said, 'Oh, no, my dignity means more to me than your show,' " Stratford said she told Judge Judy producers. "I watch Judge Judy, and I know what she's capable of."

Next, the producers called the boy's mother.

"I have mixed feelings because I kind of think this will look like a reward to him," Mickeens said.

But both women agreed to play along. So on May 23, Stratford sued her daughter in Palm Beach County Court for $5,000.

"I didn't know I had grounds to sue my daughter until Judge Judy called and told me what grounds I could sue her on," Stratford said. "I would have sued. I just didn't know how."

Stratford said she was told the show will pay any money the judge awards. The family will get a trip to Hollywood and a fee out of the deal as well.

"She pays you to be on the show," said Stratford, who declined to say how much she and her daughter would split. "But it's worth my while. Trust me."

A spokesman for Judge Judy did not return a call seeking comment.

The segment featuring the family will be broadcast during the coming season, which begins in September, according to CBS affiliate WPEC News 12.

Uhhh, Judge Judy?!!? How did she pull this one off? Seriously, I'm just wondering how Judge Joe and Judge Mathis missed this coup. Now I gotta add another of these shows to my Season Pass. Arrghhh!

I told ya'll long ago all these Judge shows were nothing but poorly scripted sitcoms. So I wonder just how much this is gonna help the kid.

I'm sure he'll visit Magic Mountain while in LA. He'll crash a rooftop party at The Standard. He'll end up in some photo ops at the Beverly Center. He'll hit the Santa Monica Pier. He'll cruise Sunset. Drop by the Slauson Swap Meet. He'll prolly eat a few Scoe's Specials[1]. But will he be any better off at this end of this whole thing?[2] I doubt it.

Cause he's still coming back home with the same idiots who keep enabling this sorta behavior in the first place.[3]

Hide your car keys.

Question: Do all these kids need to go before Judge Judy or do they just need a solid a$$ whoopin'?!?

Boy's joy ride puts family before 'Judge Judy' [Palm Beach Post

Judge gives runaway, 10, another chance [SeattleTimes]

Minivan Joyride Ends In Crash For 9-Year-Old [KPTV]

Police: 7-Year-Old Boy Drove Grandmother's Car [IndyChannel]

[1] West Coast, holla at ya' boy! Tell the rest of the country what they're missin'.

[2] And yeah, I'm sorta jealous that this 7 year old thief gets an all expenses paid trip to LA, but I haven't been able to convince my boss to put me on a project out there to save my life. It's been ages since I sniffed the Left Coast. I think Shaq was still in town the last time I was there. Either way, I Love LA!

[3] Somebody sue me. We can both get a free frip to LA outta this.

Ralph Nader Pulls Barry's Code Switchin' Card!!!

I generally encourage progressive thought and action here at AB.com. I try to steer my readers free of Nigga Nonsense. I urge ya'll to Take The AverageBro Challenge on the daily. I gave the youngins some New Man Laws for survival in today's multinational economy. I told ya'll about the harmful effects of Vocoders. Never accuse me of not caring about the betterment of my peoples.

And I always, whether subtly or overtly, try to encourage my AverageNation™ to master the fine art of Code Switching. It's an essential skill for survival in Corporate America, right up there with making small talk about Tiger Woods, and pretending to be interested in stories about camping and/or marathons. You need to know this stuff if you're gonna make it.

For the uninitiated, Code Switching is the art of being able to adjust the way you speak to match your environment. In short, you can't talk barbershop level greasiness on a job interview.

Doing so would be the worst career decision since The Prince of Darkness[1].

And nobody wants to relive that.

Whites don't generally have to Code Switch, and probably don't even know such a concept exists. Sure, they know you exchange slang and "terrorist fist jabs" with the brothas in the mail room, then flawlessly spout sales profit margins to upper management minutes later. They thing is is some natural thing black folks can do "just because they're black" like playing basketball and the Electric Slide. But they don't realize this is actually a very delicate balancing act for most black folks with some trace level of hood in em'.

Cause I'm sure we've all messed up and let a random "axe" or "fittin' to" slip out in a meeting once or twice. Or maybe that's just me.[2]

So, watching perennial Presidential loser Ralph Nader rear his hatin' ass head and spit reckless about Barry's Code Switching has me extra pissed right about now, cause it seems like a guy so inquisitive would have figured this whole thing out by now.

Ralph Nader's presidential candidacy has received little media attention, but his latest critique of Barack Obama has come under fire for it's seemingly racial overtones.

Speaking with Colorado's Rocky Mountain News, Nader accused Obama of attempting to both "talk white" and appeal to "white guilt" in his quest to win the White House.

"There's only one thing different about Barack Obama when it comes to being a Democratic presidential candidate. He's half African-American," Nader told the paper in comments published Tuesday. "Whether that will make any difference, I don't know. I haven't heard him have a strong crackdown on economic exploitation in the ghettos. Payday loans, predatory lending, asbestos, lead. What's keeping him from doing that? Is it because he wants to talk white? He doesn't want to appear like Jesse Jackson? We'll see all that play out in the next few months and if he gets elected afterwards."

Obama's presidential campaign called those comments disappointing.

I'll be honest here. Ralph Nader isn't really saying anything we haven't discussed at length several times on this very blog. The white-guilt factor. The not wanting to be a threatening Negro. The balancing act of pleasing Negroes and not scaring off whites. Whether being lightskinnded helps. Whether being biracial helps. And there's that whole thing with Michelle.

I'm beginning to wonder if Spool32 is actually Nader himself.

So before I start jumping all over dude, I gotta admit, these paragraphs alone are more Real Talk than I've seen in every MSM outlet combined this year. He's got a darn good understanding of all the racial dynamics at play. I can't say I've seen another white dude dissect the whole field at play so thoroughly.

Maybe Ralph is actually biracial himself.

But here comes the problem.

Nader, the longtime consumer advocate who was blamed by many Democrats for Al Gore’s loss in the 2000 presidential election, said Obama's top issue should be poverty in America, given his racial heritage.

"I mean, first of all, the number one thing that a black American politician aspiring to the presidency should be is to candidly describe the plight of the poor, especially in the inner cities and the rural areas, and have a very detailed platform about how the poor is going to be defended by the law, is going to be protected by the law, and is going to be liberated by the law," he said. "Haven't heard a thing."

Excuse me, but shouldn't fixing urban America's (read: Negroes) issues be something any President should address, regardless of his racial makeup? Why not hold John McCain to the same flawed standard?

That's borderline racist right there, Ralph. You been hangin' with Juan Williams or somethin'?

Nader also said Obama is making a concerted effort not to be "another politically threatening African-American politician."

"He wants to appeal to white guilt. You appeal to white guilt not by coming on as black is beautiful, black is powerful. Basically he's coming on as someone who is not going to threaten the white power structure, whether it's corporate or whether it's simply oligarchic. And they love it. Whites just eat it up."

Nader formally entered the presidential race last spring, expressing disappointment with both remaining Democratic candidates at that time.

"They are both enthralled to the corporate powers," he told CNN of both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. "They've completely ignored the presidential pattern of illegality and accountability, they've ignored the out of control waste-fraud military expenditures, they hardly ever mention the diversion of hundreds of billions of dollars to corporate subsidies, handouts, and giveaways, and they don't talk about a living wage."

Sure, he's technically correct on all accounts. But what exactly was the point of all this? Or course Obama's "enthralled to the corporate powers", you dummy. He didn't get all that money for those 1.5M individual donors. It's not even mathematically possible to get the paper he's gotten so far without getting funded the old-fashioned way as well.

For all the talk about "Change", that remains a constant: He with the most cash on hand usually prevails. And you don't raise that sorta money without some help from the Big Guys. And those Big Guys will want a return on their investment. How much of a return they get will determine whether or not Obama's Presidency is merely a feel-good moment in time or a true shift in the landscape of American politics. We'll have to wait and see how that pans out.

But none of this is new news? Anyone with a brain understands this. So what's Nader's real point?

If you ask me, this guy's just jealous. He's usually the "sensible alternative", which really means he's nothing more than a spoiler who can screw the guy who loses by pulling away enough votes, as he did in 2000. This year, Obama's not just the "sensible alternative". He's the "sensible frontrunner", and he's accomplished what he has by using some of Nader's own tricks: grassroots level campaigning, appealing to young and apathetic voters, getting activists to drink the Kool Aid, selling hope and change, getting money from the Little Guys while cursing the Big Guys.

He just took some of Ralph's concepts and made em' better. Much better. Or since we're code switchin...

"You made it a hot line, He made it a hot song."[3]

Ask the guys in the mail room if you missed that one, Ralph. Dey know![4]

Question: What's Ralph Nader's friggin' problem? Are you fluent in Code Switching? You got a Code Switchin' Gone Bad story you wanna share with AverageNation™? Do it you-know-where.

Nader: Obama 'Talking White' [CNN]

[1] Yep, another obscure hip-hop reference. Cyber Capri Suns to the first person to break this one down.

[2] It isn't just me? Is It?

[3] Name that tune.

[4] L-O! L-O!

[*] Props to EbonyGentleman for passing this one along.

AverageBro & AverageFam Live Blog The BET Awards 08'

[We Watch, So You Don't Have To.]
I didn't plug this yesterday, so I'm sure most of ya'll missed it, but I decided at the last moment to experiment with a little live blogging here at AB.com. Instead of watching the Extreme Coonery of the BET Awards 08' in a secluded location as usual, I decided to invite over my brothers (AOB and AMB) and drag my wife (AS) into the fray to make the whole thing a great big AverageFamily affair.[1]

Cause the family that live blogs together stays together. Or somethin' like that.

If you missed the first airing of the Awards, don't fret. They'll be re-airing Friday the 27th at 7:30PM and on constant replay for the next 4 months.

And when they re-air, simply reference the links below, and relive this exercise in Extreme Niggadom with AverageFam in simulated real-time. Or somethin' like that.

AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: PreShow Edition
AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: Hour One
AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: Hour Two
AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: Hour Three

Question: Did you watch the BET Awards? Who was the best performer? Did you enjoy our special brand of family comedy? Did we nail it? Do AOB and AMB prove the "apple doesn't fall far from the AverageDad tree"? Do you have any idea why AverageSis stays married to me? Is this an Instant Classic or what?

Watch Clips Of The 08' BET Awards [BET.com]

[1] No children or animals were harmed during the creation of this live blog. My son was sound asleep by hour #2.

Can Candace Parker Save The WNBA!?!?

Sagging ratings and attendance seem to indicate that like it's brother league, the WNBA has an image problem.

While many laud the players as being more "fundamentally pure" and "playing for the love of the game", an equal number of critics pan the league for simply being boring.

The girls can't dunk, shoot about as accurately as Dick Chaney, and worse, there's that whole "don't ask, don't tell" thing that seems to hurt it's overall marketability. In short, the players generally lack the sex appeal necessary to pull in a significant male audience which, let's be honest, is essential if you're gonna turn a profit.

Since I'm a certified hoops junkie, I once tried my best to get into the sport. After all, we only recently got Major League Baseball[1] in DC, so Summers here used to be hell on a sports fan. Especially that dead period between the end of the NBA playoffs and the start of NFL training camp.

So, when the Washington MissTakes Mystics got rolling a decade ago, I tried very hard to become a fan. I wanted them to succeed for so many reasons. I'm all for girl power and whatnot, but foreal foreal, it's all about the game. And while I generally enjoyed the live in-game presentation, despite how hard I tried, all the savvy marketing in the world couldn't hide the fact that the on-court product was a mere five steps above rec-league ball.

Outlet passes sailed into the 10th row. Teams could literally go 20 straight possessions without a made field goal. Uncontested layups were blown.

It wasn't lookin' too good for the league.

Then, suddenly out of nowhere came the WNBA's savior, wearing the #23 no less, college star Chamique Holdsclaw.

She was supposed to revolutionize the game. She could score in bunches. She had off-the-dribble moves you only see dudes pull off. She had a magnetic personality. She could draw crowds. She even liked guys.[2]

One problem: She didn't wanna be bothered.

After a few productive but hardly world-changing seasons, Mique' finally called it quits, citing exhaustion and no longer having a "love for the game" as reasons. She also underwent a very serious and very public bout with depression in the process.

I wasn't exactly buying tickets to go see the MissTakes Mystics[3] in the first place, but once Mique' flamed out, I wasn't even taking the free hookups anymore. Why bother wasting the Metro fare?

With the league's savior essentially rendered a bust, ratings crumbled and attendance, even in a flagship city like DC, began to plummet. While the Mystics used to pack in crowds of 15,000 or better in their heyday (largely due to some very generous ticket giveaways), the joint is hardly even a quarter full nowadays. Many teams have folded. And the NBA's model for eventual self-sufficiency never panned out. As is, the league loses money annually, and is little more than corporate welfare a tax-write off for it's parent corporation.

So much for Girl Power!

But just when you thought it was time to fold up the pink tent and go home, the league recently unveiled it's newest Great Black Hype: a chick who not only can dunk, but also likes guys (she dates former Duke star Shelden "Tippy Turtle" Williams), and can actually ball.

Only time will tell if Candace Parker is a legitimate Femme-J or just another Chamique. Till then, give her credit for throwing down a brolic, SportsCenter-quality jam the other night versus Indiana. At least somebody's paying attention for once, which is a nice start.



Question: What do you think needs to be done for women's pro basketball to become a viable (read: lucrative and self-sustaining) business? Have you been to a live WNBA game? What were your impressions?

Parker Says More Dunks Are Coming [LA Times]

[1] Although with their record, you could certainly debate the fact that there's anything "major" about the Nats. At least those iconic "curly W" caps are retro cool. That's about the best I can say for them. Like most other DC sports teams, they suck!

[2] Please don't get too tied up on the whole "likes guys" thing. AB.com doesn't care about your sexual orientation, only your unique visits continued presence. But reality is, whether you're talking males or females, it's proven to be far easier to market a straight athlete to Middle America. Exhibit A: Sheryl Swoopes. Exhibit B: Greg Louganis. And BTW, [||].

[3] How ironic and unintentionally funny is it that Bob Johnson's ex-wife ended up buying her own pro basketball team (the Mystics) with the fortune she inherited from their divorce?

Shaq Rips Kobe A New One. Cops Rip Shaq A Newer One.

So much for that whole Bill Russell/MLK Day truce. I knew that was nothing more than league mandated spin in the first place.

[Scene: NBA Commissioner David Stern meets with Shaq and Kobe Bean in a windowless room somewhere in Santa Monica, circa January 06'.]

Stern: "Guys, I called you here today to speak league business. This petty beef of yours has gone on long enough. It's time to end it."

Shaq (pointing at Kobe): "He started it first."

Kobe: "I was scared. The whole Cordillera thing. What else was I s'posed to do?"

Shaq: "You violated Man Law #32! Never snitch on another man's Johnson!"

Kobe: "Are you tryin' to tell me you never paid women off, Shaq! What about Superhead, huh? She wrote a whole chapter about you!"

Shaq: "See Man Law #32!"

Kobe: "Answer the question!"

Shaq: "See Man Law #32!"

Kobe: "Ans.."

Stern: "Enough! We milked this whole feud for all it's worth. Ratings for Heat/Lakers are sagging. Kobe, until you can drag your team into the playoffs, this thing's over!"

Kobe: "Come on, man!"

Stern: "Capiche! I'll hear no more of it! You'll embrace at halfcourt before the game and afterward you'll tell reporters Bill Russell had something to do with this."

Kobe and Shaq (puzzled): "Bill Russell? Why you gotta drag him into this?"

Stern: "Rebb'n Al was asking for too much. And besides, I know some things about Russell that would make you two chumps blush."

Kobe and Shaq (suddenly interested): "Word? What?"

Stern: "See Man Law #6."

[And.. scene]

So, while this latest outburst of Extreme Niggadom from Shaq Diesel is entertaining, I sure hope it's not surprising to anyone. Enjoy Responsibly.

And by Responsibly, I mean with earphones.



"Kobe How My @@@ Taste!"

I was speechless, but apparently Shaq's summer employer wasn't.

Shaquille O’Neal will lose his special deputy’s badge in Maricopa County because of language he used in a rap video that mocks former teammate Kobe Bryant.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio said the Phoenix Suns center’s use of a racially derogatory word and other foul language left him no choice. Arpaio made Shaq a special deputy in 2006 and promoted him to colonel of his largely ceremonial posse later that year.

“I want his two badges back,” Arpaio told The Associated Press on Tuesday. “Because if any one of my deputies did something like this, they’re fired. I don’t condone this type of racial conduct.”

Shaq was seen in a video posted on the celebrity news and gossip Web site TMZ.com rapping that “Kobe couldn’t do without me.” O’Neal skewers the Lakers’ star, with whom he won three straight NBA titles from 2000-2002 while with Los Angeles, for not being able to win a championship without him.

“I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever,” O’Neal told ESPN.com Monday. A call to the Suns on Tuesday seeking comment from O’Neal was referred to his public relations firm, which didn’t immediately respond.

Double speechless. It wasn't that deep. Was it?

Question: Should Shaq have lost his "fake cop" gig over this nonsense? Did you really ever believe there was a Kobe/Shaq truce in the first place?

Shaq gets slapped by sheriff for rap about Bryant [Yahoo!]

AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: Hour Three

In case you're just tuning in... AverageSis (AS) is my wife. AverageOlderBrother (AOB) is (duh) the older of my two brothers. AverageMiddleBrother (AMB) is (duh) the middle son in our family of three. And I am AverageBro (AB) of course.

10:00 PM

AB: This has gotta be near the end.

AOB: Not till they roll out Lil' Wayne. It's his show.

AB: True.

[DL Hughley appears to introduce John Legend.]

AOB: I almost forgot DL was hosting this show.

AB: Good.

[John Legend introduces the Al Green tribute. AS starts dancing in her seat.]

AS: This is my music right here. He looks like my Daddy.

AOB: Your Daddy didn't get hit with no hot grits did he?

AS: Thankfully not.

AB: Al got him a Steve Harvey hairpiece. He's lookin' casket sharp.

AS: Plugs.

AOB: He's the man.

AMB: Yep.

AB: Sharp as a tack.

AMB: I'm glad he's finally getting his props.

[Jill Scott comes out to sing "Still In Love With You".]

AS: She can't dress. That isn't a flattering outfit. For someone with so much talent, she always looks tacky.

AMB: She has a faux hawk.

AB: Sounds good though.

AS: Yeah. Always.

AOB: She killed Eryhah Badu's career.

AMB: Yep. Murdered it.

[The entire family gets off on a tangent about other stuff. Jill drones on in the background, until Anthony Hamilton comes out.]

AMB: Good music.

AS: Yep. But look at that tiny gold chain.

AOB: It looks like something you buy at a kiosk in the mall.

AB: That ain't a chain, that's a necklace!

[Maxwell comes out, exhumed from the ashes for this very show.]

AS: Yay! Maxwell!

AOB: What happened to him?

AMB: He looks like Ray Charles with that regular guy haircut.

AS: He looks like Tavis Smiley.

AMB: He got himself a Lil' Boosie Fade.

AB: Sure did.

AOB: This is a good move for him. Maybe he's back now.

AMB: He looks 50!

AS: He sounds good though. Didn't miss a beat.

AB: Agreed. He sounds good.

AOB: He turned it out.

[Al Green comes out to sing "Let's Stay Together".]

AS: This show's actually turned out pretty classy. I can't believe I'm saying that about BET.

AB: Lil' Wayne's coming. Trust me. It'll get un-classy again.

[The camera pans the crowd and shows Diddy/Puffy/Sean Combs with stepson Quincy, who's actually Al B. Sure's son.]

AS: He looks just like Al B.

AMB: Yeah, but he's always everywhere with Puffy. He might as well be his kid.

AOB: I'd rather be raised by Puffy.

AS: Al B couldn't afford to take all those kids to Chuck E Cheese.

AB: Told ya'll.

10:30 PM

[A promo for Baldwin Hills comes on.]

AS: I hate BET.

AB: I love my wife.

[The nominees for The Viewer's Choice Award are announced.]

AB: It's Lil' Weezy Time. Lil' Wayne has to get some participation prize for his trouble.

[Lollipop wins the award.]

AB: Told ya'.

[Lil' Wayne proceeds to bring his mom, Kanye, and all 15 of his kids onstage.]

AB: It must be his weekend.

AOM: Probably so.

[DL Hughley reappears and makes an off color joke about Young Buck's recent crying for chicken situation.]



[AOB and AMB laugh uncontrollably at what's DL's only remotely comical moment all night.]

AS (incredulous): I don't get it, what's so funny?

AB: Man I'm so lucky I married you.

AS: Huh?

AB: Never mind.

[Rihanna takes the stage to lipsync one of her many Top 100 tunes.]

AS: She's boring. How did she become a star?

AMB: Why is she lipsyncing? It's not like she's dancing or anything.

AOB: She isn't lipsyncing.

AB: Oh.

AS: I don't like that outfit. She's boring. She didn't even move the entire time.

[Debra Lee comes out to present some award.]

AS: She looks good. Showin' a lil' cleavage.

AMB: A lil' baggage too.

AOB: I bet she was baaaaad back in the day.

AS: She looks nice.

AOB: She built the empire. She was Bob's jumpoff, but she knew how to handle the bidness too.

AMB: So I heard.

AOB: His wife cut that initial BET check though, so she cleaned him out when they got divorced.

AS: Wow.

AOB: 400 Milli!!!

AS: Wow.

AB: Don't get no ideas.

AS: Huh?

AB: Nothing Dear.

[A montage of Quincy Jones tribute clips runs.]

AOB: Where's his white girl? Q keeps him some white girls.

AS: He looks and sounds good for 85 years old.

AB: He's only 75.

AS: Oh.

[The camera shows Al B Sure's son for the 17,000th time.]

AS: Why do they keep showin' him?

AB: I bet he has a reality show coming in the Fall.

AOM: Off On Your Own, Boy.

AB: Diddy's Kiddies.

AS: Shut up.

[Nelly and Jermaine Dupri come out to perform whatever Nelly's latest song is called.]

AB: Zzzzzzzzzz.

AOB: Is this another song about tennis shoes?

AMB: "Don't Step On My J's".

AOB: First "Air Force Ones", now a song about Jordans.

AB: Phil Knight is cuttin' a nice check to somebody.

[Ciara and Fergie make cameos.]

AB: Nelly is goin' for Carter III sales with this next album. Eff' a budget. He's pulling out every guest in his Sidekick. Who's next, Michael Jackson?

AOB: That was sorta hot. Lil Wayne better show up.

[Diddy and Lauren London come out and plug Sean John and Ciroc, while introducing the Female R&B Singer of the Year Award.]

AB: Clearly this is the product placement segment of the show.

AOM: Keyshia Cole is gonna win then. She's got a show on BET.

AB: No way they invite Alicia Keys to this crap show without giving her an award for her trouble.
[Alicia Keys wins and comes onstage to give thanks.]

AS: She's wearing Spanks.

AB: Huh?

AS: She looks good though.

AB: She seems like she actually wanted to be there.

AOB: Seems like she's finally found her niche. She's not tryin' so hard to be down anymore.

AMB: Yeah, true.

[Alicia Keys gives the 319,000th Obama endorsement of the night.]

AOB: Most of these bamas can't even vote or ain't even registered.

AS: Alicia looks like the type who'd actually vote though.

AB: Dag, is it 11:15 already? When is this goin' off?

11:15 PM

[Lil' Wayne, introduced by T-Pain finally takes the stage. I feel the first symptoms of carpal tunnel. Did I really just spend the past 4 hours of my life watching this stuff? Did I really drag my loved ones along for the ride? Am I'm gonna have nightmares about this all tonight?]

AMB: Boring. Even Nelly outshined him.

AB: I must be going crazy, cause "Lollipop" actually sounds good.

AS: Let go of that laptop right now! You're losin' it.

AB: Noooooo!!!!

[I'm definitely havin' nightmares tonight. The show ends.]

AB: I wonder if Jacque Reid is doin' the after party.

[The opening credits for the after party roll. Big Tigger and P. Diddy are co-hosting.]

AS: Turn this off.

[Party over.]

Have a great evening folks. It's been real. See ya'll in October for The 4th Annual Festival of Negro Nonsense Recap.

We'll Watch, So You Don't Have To.

AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: Hour Two

In case you're just tuning in... AverageSis (AS) is my wife. AverageOlderBrother (AOB) is (duh) the older of my two brothers. AverageMiddleBrother (AMB) is (duh) the middle son in our family of three. And I am AverageBro (AB) of course.

9:10 PM

AOB: This show is already getting old.

AB: Is it over yet?

[Teddy Pain takes the stage in some Ringling Brothers outfit to lipsync his latest vocoder travesty.]

AB: This is like the UniverSoul Circus gone wrong.

AS: Who is this guy?

AOB: Flo-Rida.

AS: Who is that guy?

AB: Rick Ross.

AS: I am speechless. His boobs are bigger than mine. And they're really hairy.

AB: His next angioplasty is on the house.

AS: Can we change the channel please.

AOB: Biggie started this whole "fat guys, show your rolls" trend.

AMB: Fat Joe does it too.

AS: Save my eyes and ears please.

AB: No honey, we're live bloggin'.

AS: Who is this guy?

AOB: DJ Khaled.

AS: I'm goin' upstairs.

[Outkast's Big Boi comes onstage to perform his verse from "I'm So Hood". His mic isn't working. Nobody seems to care. Ludacris comes on to perform his verse, dressed in Gap khakis and a Polo like he just got off a shift at IBM. Very gangsta.]

AS: Ludacris is dressed like AverageBro tonight.

AB: Whatever.

AOB: They killed it.

AMB: Hip Hop is back.

[Derek Luke and Gabrielle Union come on to present the Best Video Award.]

AS: Finally some class.

AB: Don't get too excited. It won't last.

[UGK and Outkast win for "Players Anthem".]

AOB: Didn't this come out last year?

AB: This is the R.I.P. Pimp C award.

AS: Who are these guys?

AB: Man I'm so glad I married you.

AS: Huh?

AB: Never mind.

AOB: Bun B looks 49 years old.

AMB: His partner died. That was cold, man.

AS: How did he die?

AB: Syrup overdose?!?!

AOB: Sleep apnea.

AB: My bad.

[The director of the video flubs and notes that Kanye conceded the award to honor UGK.]

AOB: That was classy.

AS: Maybe this is gonna get better.

AB: Don't hold your breath, dear.

9:30 PM

[BET begins the "see, we ain't all about ass, we play gospel videos too" segment of the show. Marvin Sapp, whom DL Hughley introduces as ex-NFL player Warren Sapp, shows up in an oversized suit, lookin', well, sorta like ex-NFL player Warren Sapp.]

AB: That's one crazy suit. Is that leather?

AS: No, it's linen.

[A photo montage plays in the background, showing famous faces in black history.]

AOB: The Obama photo is coming up. Watch.

AMB: No way they'd do that with Bob Johnson still related to this channel.

[The inevitable Barack/Michelle photo appears.]

AOB: Told you.

AB: Bob Johnson is somewhere chokin' on his fillet mignon. Somebody bout' to get fired.

AS: This is the highlight so far. How will they ruin this?

[Gospel artists Mary Mary show up, accompanied by someone named Lisa Lisa, to present an award.]

AB: Who is that with Mary Mary?

AS: Lisa Lisa.

AB: Who?

AOB: You know, like with Cult Jam, the dudes with the jheri curls?

AB: No way. That ain't the same one. What the heck happened to her?

[An offline debate about whether or not this is the same Lisa Lisa we all know ensures.]

AS: I guess we know why she's called Lisa Lisa, and not just Lisa.

AB: Dang.



AS: She was always one cookie away...

AOB: She had some big boobs.

AMB: Wow, what happened?

AS: This was 20 years ago.

AB: Ya'll are just so wrong.

[Editor's Note: We Owned The 80's: Lisa Lisa And Cult Jam, coming soon.]

9:45 PM

AB: I got a bad feeling the show's about to take a turn for worse ya'll.

[Chris Brown enters the stage.]

AS: Bo-Ring. But you know he's gonna break out with some surprise.

AOB: He looks like he's struggling.

AB: ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz!!!!

[Chris Brown quits pretend lipsyncing and just starts dry humpin' the floor. Ciara pops up outta nowhere and joins him in a multi-orgasmic display of rapid-fire pelvic thrusts.]

AOB: That was hot!

AS: Tight!

AB: Tiiiight!

AMB: Hot!

[Just as we're gettin' into it, after 30 seconds, the performance abruptly ends.]

AB: What!?! What happened?

AS: Usher's still winnin'.

AOB: Yep. Chris Brown had it, then he just let it go.

AMB: Yep.

AB: Bring back Bobby Brown!!!!

AverageFamily: {crickets}

[Kanye West wins some random award for "The Good Life". T-Pain slowly pimp walks onstage.]

AB: Man, Lil' Wayne is really losin' tonight.

AOB: He didn't have an album out until last week.

AB: He was on every 3rd song the past decade though.

AOB: Doesn't matter.

[The camera zooms in for a mega closeup on T-Pain's gold grille.]

AS: Ugghhhhhh!!!

[Toccara appears onscreen to (poorly) read a promo. Al Green is clearly seen behind her, ogglin' that booty like nobody's business.]

AS: Dirty old man'.

AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: Hour One

In case you're just tuning in... AverageSis (AS) is my wife. AverageOlderBrother (AOB) is (duh) the older of my two brothers. AverageMiddleBrother (AMB) is (duh) the middle son in our family of three. And I am AverageBro (AB) of course.

8:00 PM

[The show begins. Usher takes the stage.]

AB: Is that Marcus Houston?

AMB: This bama fell off. Usher got fat.

AOB: He got a gut.

AMB: Is that a bulletproof vest around his waist?

AOB: Bobby Brown gained some weight and blew his career too.

AB: Chris Brown better put down the baby back ribs.

AMB: Maybe the widescreen is distorted. Fix the setting.

AB: Maybe.

AOB: Doesn't matter, he's off.

AMB: Is he wearing a bulletproof vest?

AOB: Take the TV off widescreen, this distortion is distracting.

AMB: Doesn't matter, Chris Brown has officially overtaken this dude. The crowd is silent.

AOB: He didn't take his shirt off. He's overweight.

[Camera strategically pans to Chris Brown in the audience.]

AMB: You can tell Chris knows he got Usher beat now. That was laaaaame.

[AS returns with pizzas.]

AS: Did I miss Usher?

AMB and AOB: You ain't miss nothin'.

AS: Rewind it anyway.

AB: Honey, we're live blogging. I can't just rewind it.

[DL Hughley shows up dressed like a ghetto Paddington The Bear to deliver his opening monologue. The entire family gets up for a pizza break. I'm sure we aren't missing anything.]

AverageFamily during DL's monologue: {chirp chirp}

[Terrance Howard and Jennifer Hudson appear to present an award.]

AOB: Fix the fullscreen thing. Jennifer Hudson looks like a whale.

AS: That dress is awful.

AB: The fullscreen ain't broke.

AS: Ne-Yo is a cornball.

AMB: Chris Brown better win.

[Chris Brown wins award for Best Male R&B Artist and takes the stage.]

AMB: Is that a Jheri Curl mohawk?

AOB: Is that what's hot on the streets right now?

[8:20pm - Young Jeezy comes out to perform his latest Trap Anthem, "I Put On For My City".]



AOB: This dude has to be about 35 by now.

AS: He looks like a turtle in leather.

[The audience pans to show Diddy/Puffy/Sean Combs surrounded by 15 of his kids.]

AB: It must be his weekend.

AOB: Yep.

AS: Hey, why did that one kid look just like Al B Sure?

[Kanye West comes out to lend his cameo to Jeezy's performance. The visual effect of this suprise entrance somehow falls completely flat because every 3rd word is bleeped. Someone in the audio booth is earning their pay tonight.]

AS: This is flat.

AOB: Is Kanye using a vocoder?

AMB: He just murdered Jeezy on this own song with that voicebox.

AB: That's not too hard to do.

AOB: Kayne sounds just like Lil' Wayne.

AB: Sad.

[Mel B and nondescript comedian Kevin Hart come on to present an award for Best Male Athlete.]

AB: This whole show is flat.

AOB: Mel B isn't.

[Mel B gets a lot of catcalls from the audience.]

AMB: What the heck do male athletes have to do with the BET Awards?

AOB: Kobe Bryant won, but you know he ain't showin' up.

AMB: He's too busy smellin' Shaq's behind.

[Keyshia Cole's Mom and Sister reappear to read a promo.]

AS: Two ex-crackheads butchering a cue card.

[Keyshia's sister is dangerously close to pulling a Janet Jackson.]

AMB: She's about to have a wardrobe malfunction.

AOB: Please God, noooooo!!!!

[BET quickly cuts to commercial before anything FCC-worthy ensues.]

[8:30pm - Keyshia Cole appears to sing her latest ghetto love anthem.]



AMB: She got more tats than Lil' Wayne.

AOB: What's with the prom dress?

AS: That looks awful.

AMB: She looks like a ghetto peacock.

[Some weedcarrier suddenly comes out and rips off Keyshia's dress to reveal a leather shortsuit and some white hooker thigh-high boots.]

AS: She looks much better now.

AOB: She can't still dance a lick.

AS: She makes Brandy look like Debbie Allen.

[Medium Kimberly pops up to give her cameo, dressed in a midriff bearing top.]

AB: She probably keeps her plastic surgeon on retainer.

AOB: We gotta do better.

AS: She doesn't look that bad to me. If you gotta pay for some work, you could do much worse.

[Nia Long, Morris Chesnut, and Cuba Gooding Jr. show up to present some sorta award for Boyz In Da' Hood. Oops, it's for Best Female Rap Artist.]

AS: That movie was 17 years ago. They all aged well.

AOB: Man, we gettin' old.

AMB: Do they even have enough girl rappers to fill out this category?

AB: Will they have enough categories left for the Hip Hop Awards?

AOB: Yeah, really.

8:45 PM

[AB takes a pause for the cause to go change a diaper. I hear the Tivo rewinding downstairs. AS has rewound all the way back to 8pm to watch Usher's performance again. So much for that whole live blogging thing.]

8:50 PM

[AS watched enough of Usher's performance to validate it's wackness. We're finally back in realtime. Ne-Yo is already midway through his performance.]

AS: These are awful outfits. He's a cornball.

AB: Man, all these great Michael Jackson songs wasted on this chump.

AS: Can I fastforward?

AB: No, we're caught up. This is real time.

AS: Arghh.

[After suffering through more of Ne-Yo, Ashanti and LL Cool J take the stage to present a Best New Artist Award.]

AS: LL looks good.

AOB: That HGH went to good use.

AMB: Flo-Rida is a simp.

AOB: I like Chrisette Michelle.

AMB: Aw heck, Soulja Boy! You know they can't deny that sorta coonery. He's gonna win.

[Some dude named The Dream wins the award. He apparently has better things to do (the nerve of that guy), so LL accepts the award on his behalf. I cry a bit inside.]

AB: Snooooooze.

[Alicia Keys comes out to perform one of her sleep-inducing piano ballads. Nobody's even remotely interested except AverageSis.]


AMB: Fix the widescreen.

AS: The screen is fine. She just has hips. Looks fine to me.

AOB: Yep.

[Alicia Keys oddly switches to an SWV song.]



AB: Awww snap! Sistas With Voices? What!?!? Man, it's 92' all over again. This is great!

AOB: Fix the widescreen. They look like three Shamus.

[Alicia Keys starts singing an En Vogue song. En Vogue comes out.]



AOB: Fix the widescreen!

[Except for Dawn, all members of En Vogue look distorted.]

AB: Ok, I'll fix it at the next break.

[Alicia Keys introduces TLC.]



AS: This is sorta sad. They really miss Left Eye.

AB: Who's next? Klymaxx? Jade? Brownstone?

AOB: If Brownstone comes out, I'm goin' home.

AB: Give her credit, Alicia Keys gets props for respecting the architects.

AS: True. Remember the time she bought out all the reggae folks?

AOB: Chili looks regular sized.

AB: I told you the widescreen won't broke.

[Sitcom sista Niecey Nash comes out and delivers some ignant drivel about Madonna and Angelina Jolie adopting black kids as accessories. Then she brings out a bunch of white kids she adopted with ghetto names to prove her point.]

AB: That was a huge setup for such a lame joke.

[The nominees for Best Male Hip Hop Artist are announced. Cue the Lil' Wayne victory reel. You know it's coming.]

AOB: Kayne got this.

AMB: Kayne.

AS: Lil' Wayne.

AB: Weezy all the way.

[Kayne wins. The first minor suprise of the night.]

AS: Lil' Wayne got robbed.

[Kayne brings Lil' Wayne, who looks like he's coming off a major bender, onstage out of sympathy.]

AMB: This show is weak. CoCo and SWV was the high point so far.

AB: We got another hour of this to go!?!? It's gonna be a looong night.

AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: PreShow Edition

[We still watch, so you don't have to.]
Editor's Note: This is my first exercise in semi-live blogging. Forgive the typos, we're just live like that. Things occurring onscreen appear [inside brackets like these]. Our comments are always proceeded by our names. Enjoy Responsibly.

Last Fall, I delivered a landmark post here at AB.com, the cryptically titled The 3rd Annual Festival of Negro Nonsense Recap. For those unaware of the freshness, you might wanna take a moment to peep that BET Awards recap to get some idea for how we roll. Otherwise, spare me the "why you always gotta pop sh*t about black folks" comments. If you wanna defend "Bust It Baby", knock yourself out.

And just in case you're clueless about this whole "Bust It Baby" thing, get familiar.



This year, I decided to switch things up a bit for my recap of the flagship BET Awards. Instead of reviewing the nonsense dolo, I'm using the occasion to introduce you to my family, who'll be live blogging shotgun.

AverageSis (AS) is my wife. For those of you wondering what sorta woman tolerates the real life trainwreck that is AverageBro.com on a daily, here ya' go.

AverageOlderBrother (AOB) is (duh) the older of my two brothers.

AverageMiddleBrother (AMB) is (duh) the middle son in our family of three.

6:45 PM

[R&B Crooner Raheem DeVaughn gives an acceptance speech for some random BS award. His proceeds to thank his grandma, his management, his fans, his Jewish lawyers, God, the DMV, all 11 of his kids, and even his ex-cornrollist. You'd think this cat just won a Grammy, not some nondescript BET-J Award so insignificant they didn't even bother presenting it during the actual ceremony.]

AB: Man, this dude would faint if he won a real award.

[Lil' Kim pops up on the red carpet, conservatively dressed, yet bursting out of her modest dress like some kinda ghetto Kielbasa.]

AS: What the heck happened to Lil' Kim? She looks like the Asian chick who does my pedicures.

AB: She ain't so Lil' no more neither. That girdle is crying inside. She should call herself Medium Kimberly.

AS: Quit it.

[Jennifer Hudson shows up in a non-flattering Coca Cola colored dress.]

AS: Jennifer Hudson looks a mess. She looks like somebody from Star Wars.

AB: C3PO?

AS: Nah.

AB: Chewbaca?

AS: Yeah, that's it.

[BET begins showing J-Hud's video for her new single "Spotlight".]



AB: This sounds like something you'd hear when you get to the club too early. Not that I'd know nowadays.

AS: True.

AB: I think Beyonce gets the last laugh on this one.

AS: Ditto.

[Alicia Keys, looking radiant as always, makes her label-mandated appearance on the Red Carpet. Her mouth says "I'm happy to be here", her body language screams "Aren't I a bit big for this sorta thing by now? There's Musiq Soulchild waiting tables across the street. I think I see Joe and Jon B eating out of a trashcan in the parking lot. Tweet was sellin' ass on Crenshaw and La Cienega. Damn, I need a new agent!"]

AB: Yeah, that's probably what she's thinkin'.

AS: Huh?

AB: Nothin' honey.

[A promo commercial reminds me that the show is being hosted by none other than DL Hughley. This is gonna be one looong night, but my family is on the way over. I can't bail out now. Too late.]

[Sean Kingston shows up on the red carpet to perform his latest single.]

AB: Damn, that's a big a$$ boy. Clearly somebody's eatin' well.

AS: I think he just looks big beside the girl he's singin' with.

AB: Naw, that's just one big a$$ boy. He's an angioplasty just beggin' to happen.

[AverageSis takes AverageToddler and leaves to go pickup some pizzas. I'm stuck by myself watching this crap. I briefly contemplate pulling the switch on this whole thing before I get too deep in. And just as I'm about to cave in and restore some brain cells by tuning in to Jeopardy, the Gods of Bloggerdom send me a kite.]

AB: Whoa! "Skew It On The BarB"!!?



[Outkast's Big Boi and Wu-Tang's Raekwon the Chef perform the classic mixtape staple, as well as their newest collaboration "Royal Flush". Noticeably absent, and painfully missed: Andre 3000.]

AB: Damn, this is like The BlueNotes without Harold Melvin. And why am I talkin' to myself?

[Where the heck are my brothers anyway? They're runnin' late.]

[Chris Brown shows up on the red carpet, violating about a half-dozen of AB's New Man Laws. But with legions of shrieking young girls behind him, clearly he can't be wrong. Somewhere in a shack in Roxbury, Bobby Brown is cryin' inside.]

[Chris Brown's protege (?!?) preteen (!??!) rapper (!?!?) Scooter (!??!) shows up to kick a "freestyle" (?!?!)]



AB: Who the heck is this Scooter Smiff character? What the heck happened to kids being kids. Am I really supposed to buy this 11 year old as "a Ryder"? Please. Go somewhere and do some times tables or something.

7:45 PM

[Keyshia Cole's dysfunctional and tootless mom and sister arrive on the red carpet poppin' maad sh*t and acting altogether ignant. Cue the "disturbing and unnecessary turn around and show us what you got" shots. I think I just threw up in my mouth.]

AB: Damn, is that Pretty Ricky? In gold tuxes? Don't these dudes have some ghetto prom to crash?

[And on cue, here comes BET Head Nigress In Charge Debra Lee, looking very radiant yet very over aged. Co-hosts Terrance and Rocsi tense up, sorta like I do when my boss drops by unannounced. For once, I feel sorta sad for all involved parties. Myself included.]

AB: Where the heck are my brothers?

[Magically, the doorbell rings. AOB and AMB just arrived.]

[The random dudes who sing "Get Silly" bum rush the stage]



AMB: Is that Soulja Boy?

AB: Looks like him to me.

AMB: This song is silly.

[Bun B shows up for his cameo verse.]

AMB: Dag, I sorta feel bad for this guy. Isn't he too old for this?

AB: Aren't we all?

[Young Buck shows up for his cameo.]

AMB: He's about to start cryin' any moment now.

AB: Sometimes a n*gga get confused.

AOB: You owe me $200k, it's gon' be some confusion alright.

AMB: Wait, that's not Young Buck.

AB: Does it really matter?